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The second show of the season started with slow-mo replays of the previous week’s forfeits: Brittany screaming as she was doused in freezing water and cream splattering everywhere as the pies hit Kayla’s body.
Zara Holland entered the set wearing a simple pale pink dress.
Zara: Hello! Hello! Welcome to Gungement Time – what Britain’s Got Talent would be if it had any balls! We’ve got two more eager contestants desperate to impress with their skills and to help decide their fate we have our judges!
Carl Orff’s “O Fortuna” played as the camera swept down the judges’ desk.
Zara: Please give a big hand to Vicky Brown, Richie999, Jimmy B and Alicia DuBois.
The audience cheered the first three names and booed the last – Alicia had gained an unpleasant reputation after only one episode.
Zara: But they don’t hold all the power, our studio audience also gets to vote.
The audience cheered.
Zara: And remember, the worse their combined score, the worse the forfeit they receive at the end of the show. Last week Brittany from Cheshire had to face our infamous tunnel of gunge and Kayla from Glasgow was tied and pied topless – will this weeks contestants do any better? Let’s meet them. Please give it up for Lauren!
A bubbly blonde in a white t-shirt and short jogged onto the stage, smiling.
Zara: So tell us about yourself.
Lauren: I’m 26, I live in Cambridge and I work in a salon.
Zara: And what are you going to be showing us today?
Lauren: I’ve always been into circus skills so today I’ll be doing some juggling.
Zara: Nice. Thank you Lauren. And a big hand for our second contestant: Jessica!
Another woman walked on. This one was taller, with nicely-styled platinum blonde hair. She was wearing a black t-shirt and shorts.
Zara: Hi, Jess. Where are you from?
Jessica: I live in South London and I’m a beauty therapist.
Zara: And your talent is?
Jessica: I’m actually a local Pole Sport champion so that’s what I’ll be doing today.
Zara: Pole Sport? That’s pole dancing isn’t it? Like a stripper?
Jessica: We’re not strippers! It’s a proper sport like dancing or gymnastics and I’ll be keeping my clothes ON.
Zara: That very much depends on what score you get! Anyway, Lauren is going first so take it away.
Lauren came out to the sound of an Ellie Goulding song. She worked her way through her routine, juggling with clubs, rings and balls while dancing around the stage. For a finale she grabbed a different set of clubs and set them alight, catching them and the song ended. Lauren bowed as the crowd cheered.
Zara: Wow! That was amazing – let’s see what the judges though.
Vicky: I don’t normally like juggling but that was great. 4
Richie: Nice – artistic and dangerous. Winner. 5
Jimmy: Fantastic. 5
Alicia: Nothing but a cheap circus act. 1
There were cheers for the first three scores and a chorus of boos for the fourth. Alicia was becoming seriously unpopular.
Zara: That’s a great score: 15 out of 20 or 75%.
Lauren beamed, delighted with her performance.
It’s going to be difficult to follow that but off you go Jessica.
Jessica grabbed the pole and worked through her repertoire of spins, twists and flicks to the soundtrack of a pounding house beat. She finished by wrapping her legs around the pole and leaning backwards toward the audience.
Zara: Well I liked it but it’s not up to me. Over to the judges.
Vicky: You’re absolutely right, it’s not pole dancing, you’re a proper sportswoman and that was great. 4.
Richie: I’m not impressed, I’ve seen much better pole dances. There was this girl in Hamburg I saw once who…
The director frantically waved to get Richie back on track.
Richie: Oh, yeah. Seen better. 1.
Jimmy: I know you say it isn’t pole dancing but… I can’t give it more than a 2.
Alicia: Just like a cheap hooker. 1.
Jessica looked furious at the scores and the comments. How dare they demean her sport!
Zara: Bad luck! You’ve scored 8.
Jessica stormed off the stage, bright red and muttering under her breath.
Zara: Now it’s up to the studio audience – do you agree that Lauren’s juggling was fantastic or did you think the judges were really harsh when they called Jessica a cheap hooker? Vote to save your fave.