Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
Hello! So, it’s been a while now since I posted…christmas I think? Anyway, long story short, I’ve been very, very busy. And nope, this one isn’t NGYOB. That will be returning soon.
But for now, this is a sequel to my (out of the blue) story last year. ‘Sudden Slops: This Takes The Cake!’. It’s outlandish and fun, totally off the bat, so some parts maybe a bit crazy. Couple of nice scenes in this one though I have to admit…
Some of you may know these celebs, some of you may not. Both are comediennes in the UK.
Last bit of waffle, I promise – this was all meant to be one story but it’s going to be two. The next one should be up within the week. I already more or less know the ending but I am OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS. So if you have something you might like to see, please let me know and I’ll see what I can do. This one already though has stuff which may cater to a few of you.
OK, time for me to shut up, and let you enjoy…
Shappi Khorsandi smiled proudly, as she elegantly walked up to the stage. The Iranian-born comedienne strutted toward the side of the tarp in her heels, hearing the applause and exhaled with an air of confidence. The 42 year old had enjoyed increased popularity in the past few years, appearing on various shows across television. She’d of course be famous mainly for ‘Live At the Apollo’, and was a genuinely funny woman. Her jokes were on point, the laughs were always huge and she had quickly risen to become one of the most famous of the female comedians in recent years. And boy, did she know it. Walking out onto the stage, she gave a wave, looking as beautiful as she ever did. She wore a lovely looking black dress, which kept her left shoulder and her upper back bare whilst having a smart stylish strap of sorts over her right. The dress was also short, allowing her amazing, slender legs to be on full display for the audience. To finish off her outfit, was a pair of posh and expensive looking black high heels. Shappi had her hair neatly trimmed and had only just had it done the day before, a few curls being present, jet black and complimenting the dress and heals. Her make up wasn’t overdone though, just rosy red lipstick and a hint of mascara. Shappi was an extremely attractive woman, and when on stage, with all eyes on her, she was always at her happiest. Of course, she was always grateful for the laughter and appreciation of her comedy routines, but deep down she loved the fact that the stage was hers and she could shine.
As, fucking, usual.
Ellie Taylor was sat a few rows in, also clapping away to her fellow comedienne and former friend. Ellie was in a different class of comedy; she was more known for her presenting on comedy shows more than stand up like Shappi. Snog, Marry Avoid and more recently, Mock The Week were her forte. Ellie sat down with the rest of the audience, crossing her leg over the other. She was up in a little while and had dressed more toward smart than glamorous like Shappi had. Her brown hair came down to just below her shoulders, ending in curls; like her counterpart, she had had it all styled the day before. She wore a simple grey top with dark blue skinny jeans, both tight, which brought out the shape of her chest and rear. She had a pair of simple flats on her feet. Simple, that’s all of course it needed to be. Nothing fancy.After all this wasn’t live TV, with a huge audience and a handful of cameras. But, the 32 year old still looked pretty and well dressed, especially considering the venue.
As Shappi began, Ellie could hear the low noise of people outside of the large tent. They, and a few other comedians had been invited to a music festival to do a couple of sets. Music festivals were loud, busy, muddy, wet, and usually warm if it was a good weekend. In truth it wasn’t where most comedians would picture themselves; after all music festivals were for, music. But in recent years they had become more than that. There were various tents with music festivals all set up with different stages. Some would have DJs blasting out to drinking, shouting, dancing young people. Of a night time, there were outside dance floors set up, and on every camp of the festival, was some sort of fairground ride. Dozens of different stores and vans, all selling trinkets and greasy foods lined the route to the main music stage, and leading into the large open space were the headliners blared. Grassy Knoll Fest’ as it was known, had now been going for 4 years. Although it still had big headliners and was primarily the music, it was more like an all around festival of entertainment to most due to the amenities on offer. And so, like some music festivals before it, comedy had quickly become a part of the festival, with one tent dedicated to famous funny people. Ellie looked back toward the stage as a roar of laughter sounded out. Shappi had been coming to the festival now since the second year, when the ‘comedy hut’ had first been erected and played host to barrels of laughter. Shappi was always the most popular to be on stage.
And rightly so, Ellie couldn’t disagree with that. The woman was funny, and attractive so, why shouldn’t she become the most popular comedian to perform at the festival?
Doesn’t mean I have to like her though.
They had been friends, once upon a time. When they were both starting out a few years back. But as soon as Shappi got her big break, that was it. She just became pompous and big headed. Sure, to most she seemed like a lovely woman – but away from the spotlight to Ellie at the time, she’d become horrible. Perhaps it was an older woman who saw herself being dragged down by someone younger, who was attractive also. Perhaps Shappi believed, stupidly, in her head that Ellie was a threat. Maybe it was jealousy? Ellie had no idea. But ever since two years back, she’d become to strongly dislike Shappi. The older woman had rudely slammed the door on her, after Ellie just wanted to say hello. Not before pouring the bottle of wine over Ellie, who had brought it as a peace offering.
Ellie Taylor walked out onto the stage, Arctic Monkeys playing in the background for her to walk out onto. She was looking forward to this set; she’d worked hard on it all week. The clapping and wolf whistles coming in, and as the applause died down she picked up on that. The laughs were coming in well, and it was all going great. For about three minutes, all of a sudden in the middle of a sentence there was a high-pitched laugh. Shappi was down below speaking to someone. Ellie continued on, but once again found it hard. Shappi had begun talking loudly at the front, and laughing even more with the person next to her. Ellie picked up on this for some cheap laughs, whilst Shappi hardly noticed. Ellie was now coming to her last story, a great one that always left the audience feeling good, but again, Shappi nattered loudly and laughed once more. Ellie’s angry streak reared up finally.
“OK, DO YOU MIND.”
Silence fell on the tent, and Shappi continued to laugh until she noticed Ellie staring daggers. She smiled and looked all around then at Ellie.
“I think you lost them dear, it’s almost as quiet as the field for Bieber.”
To Ellie’s annoyance, a lot of the audience chuckled. She then came to the edge of the stage and looked right at Shappi.
“You think you’re hilarious don’t you.”
“I know I am love.”
“Then maybe you should prove it.”
“I already did, earlier. I mean you don’t have much of a sense of humour so I can see how you were maybe confused.”
A dramatic hush befell the tent once more as the tension rose between the two women. Ellie breathed steadily then spoke into her microphone.
“I’ll tell you what. How about you and me have a chat later on, just over at the blue camp. You can teach me how to be funny.”
Shappi eyed up her rival and stood up, turning round to the crowd.
“Anyone who wants to see this bitch taught a lesson later, come join us.”
She turned back to Ellie, staring her down.
Ellie grinned and raised her eyebrows as she stared back and rose her microphone.
“On the dot.”
Most people weren’t actually that fussed in the throw down. A few were but others had plans. Most were watching the headlining act of the evening at the main stage; Coldplay were the last music act of the night, a full three hours being dedicated. Before them were Busted, on a new reunion tour, and so by the time 6pm rolled around, blue camp was unusually quiet save a few people milling around the funfair and food vans. Dubbed ‘blue haven’, it was the biggest area on site for rides, burgers, trinkets, oxygen bars, etc. Ellie stood eying up the ideal thrown that the queen of festival comedy would hopefully be on earlier, having now changed to a light blue top and figure hugging leggings. She was excited, no doubt about it. It had been four hours, just enough time to have a word with some of the owners of the tents all around. Some sold pastries; others had festival and kids stuff. She’d also had a quiet word with one lady in particular about ‘borrowing’ the large kids funhouse. Some passes to meet Coldplay, and Ellie was handed the keys earlier on to close up and get everything ready.
“I should have guessed that young idiots like yourself would like this sort of thing.”
Ellie turned and was face to face with the older comedian. Shappi hadn’t changed from earlier, safe for a small pair of wellies for the mud. Just like her to remain stunning for her fans around the festival. Ellie folded her arms and gestured behind her.
“Quietest place I could get, paid off the owner with some backstage passes.”
“So what, you want a heart to heart?”
Shappi fluttered her eyelids and held her hand on her chest. This grated with Ellie who exhaled calmly and answered.
“Not exactly. There’s three guys in there. We each tell jokes and the one who makes them laugh the most gets to headline in the tent tomorrow.”
“You want me to give up my spot?”
“If you’re better than me then you won’t be losing the spot.”
Khorsandi dropped her smile and eyed Ellie up and down like she had done two years back.
“I’m meeting a friend in Bar Zero in half an hour so let’s get this done quick.”
She walked briskly past Ellie and to the fun house door, Ellie smiled and followed her, closing it behind her, plunging them both into darkness.
“Where’re the lights?”
Shappi felt on the walls for it, wanting to flick them on. She felt her way along the wall and hit a metal rail. Growling under her breath, she quickly bent down and took off her wellies, one by one, her feet touching the freezing metal floor. They were hurting after walking around all afternoon in them in the camps. Suddenly, blinding her, the lights came up.
“WELCOME! To the house of fun and funnyyyyyy! Please welcome the smelly cow of the festival, Shappi Khorsandi!”
Ellie was putting on her best presenting voice. This was her domain now and she would be the one on higher ground. Quite literally, as she stood on a balcony above Shappi, wearing a long overcoat and almost looking sinister. Khorsandi held her eyes up to the bright light and looked at Ellie, suddenly breaking into a laugh.
“What, THIS is your plan? An abandoned kids place just to yell at me? I’m going-”
“NOT, sooooo fast. I’ve already told the organisers you cancelled the show tomorrow and gave it to me.”
Shappi gulped quietly and shook her head.
“Am I now?”
Ellie clicked a button, a TV screen in front of Shappi in the wall showed a hidden camera video. Ellie explained to the organisers and they agreed, handing Ellie the passes she needed. It went to static and Shappi gritted her teeth. Without looking back up at Ellie, she spoke with poison in her voice.
“So, I need to prove I get more laughs than you? Then I get my passes back for the show? Yeah?”
“Then BRING out the audience. TAKE me to them. Give me the stage. Because Ellie, I can guarantee you that you won’t be doing tomorrows show. I’ll have them laughing all night. Because quite frankly hun’ you and your jokes stink-”
Shappi turned abruptly and looked up and was immediately hit with a stream of gunk. It wasn’t thick, it was quite thing, like out of a water gun. After about 3 seconds it stopped. Her mouth wide open, eyes closed and her expression scowling in disbelief, the comedian stood there, not sure how to react. The gunk was a weird greyish yellow, thick like cream. Globlets of it dripped down her surprised face, as she opened an eye to look at her attacker, holding the water gun and smiling.
“Ooooooh. What a coincidence eh, that you should say that my jokes and me stink. Especially after that, admittedly funny joke of you getting those passes back.”
Shappi spat a little bit of the stuff from her lips as Ellie giggled.
“Bit of grease from one of the burger vans. Does wonders as a substitute for water.”
At this, Ellie cranked the gun again and biting her lip in joy, she squirted Shappi once more. This time, Khorsandi welped a bit as her face got another glazing of the substance, comically moving her head constantly to get out of the stream. She slowly backed away, as Ellie let the tank of the gun empty. It finally went to a spatter and Ellie chucked it aside and rubbed her hands together.
“I guess you’re wondering what exactly is happening.”
Shappi wiped her mouth, and her eyes. The gunge had covered her face, making it sticky and heavy. She looked a state as she wiped her eyes again, opening her mouth wide. Her hair at the front was not a little bit matted, some of it sticking to her forehead, and the gunge had sprayed on her top a tiny bit, but mainly she was dry. Just her face was coated in the sticky goo. Ellie slowly walked down the stairs as Shappi continued to scrape off the slightly smelly grease.
“So you see Miss Shappi Khorsandi, I thought to myself. What is a fair way to see who is the funniest. Hm. Hard to tell. But then I realised, what if actually I do, the unthinkable.”
Taylor went all spooky like with the last line as she slowly approached Shappi, who took a couple of steps backward from the clearly insane Ellie.
“What if actually, I did an experiment and tried to figure out if you really were funnier than me? But I can’t be a one person audience when it comes to stand up. I want to really laugh at you, see why you are the queen of comedy in this festival. So there’s only one way to find out. SLAPSTICK!”
Ellie made a sound like a kid, and took a hold of Shappi’s shoulders, and spun her around. She marched the stunned comedienne over to a tall set of stock. Immediately Shappi shook her head.
“OH NO. NO. NO.”
She struggled as Shappi began to try and stop her, but she was stronger, and forced Shappi into the stock, closing it behind her and clapping her hands. She briskly walked over to a trolley with a cloth over and brought it to a white line a few feet from the stock.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? ELLIE LET ME OUT NOW.”
“Mmmmmm. You know what goes good with wine?”
Shappi’s eyes went wide again as Ellie pulled up the cloth. But, it didn’t make sense? Chocolate cake, some small cream pies and a lemon tart didn’t go with wine?
Shappi realised what Ellie was meaning when she said wine. The corridor incident had finally come back to bite Shappi Khorsandi in her shapely ass. Ellie laughed picked up the chocolate cake, and then snapped deadly serious.
And she launched the chocolate cake across the room. Shappi watched it flying toward her. Brown, thick, chocolately. It had cream on top of it too, and a couple of cherries. In all honesty it –
The cake hit its mark slap bang on target. The thick, gooey dessert engulfed the uppity woman’s face. Chocolate and cream spattered out to the sides, hitting the stock and to the floor, falling in heaps and mounds on the metal. The plate however stuck to its victim for a few milliseconds, slowly but surely sliding down and finally dropping off onto the floor. Mouth still open, bent down in the stock with her feet now pointing in at one and other, Shappi Khorsandi’s pretty facial features were now coated in cake and cream. Clumps of cake stuck to her cheeks, forehead and chin. Her nose was dripping in some of the cream, and she slowly closed her mouth to taste some of the indulgent dessert. It was the only thing that she could do, as she slowly blinked her eyes open. One of the cherries was sliding down her cheek, and on top of her forehead, a small mound of cake had rested, with the rest of the cream almost forming a crown.
“OHHHHHHHH! BULLSEYE! You, look, daft, honey. Hahaha, oh man.”
A click of a camera went off as Ellie snapped a photo on her phone, Shappi swallowed the yummy cake and cleared her throat.
One of the cream pies had hit the side of her face, not even allowing her to begin berating the younger female. Ellie picked up another of the pies, which were a few days old so not exactly fresh. She chucked it, this time hitting Shappi’s manicured left hand, the plate sticking to it for a moment then dropping to the floor, leaving the hand cream covered.
“ELLIE! STOP – AGH!”
Another pie splatted right on top of the stock, the cream dropping down right onto Shappi’s neck. She squirmed as the chilly cream made contact with her skin. Not a second later, the final hit her in the face and shut her up for a few moments, the plate stickily peeling off her cringing features. Now plastered in pie and cake, Ellie picked up the final luscious pastry and strutted over.
“A tart…for a tart…she positions herself…”
Ellie stopped right in front of Shappi, turned and held the gooey, sticky lemon tart at an angle against her rear. Shappi felt blood rushing to her face. This wasn’t going to be pleasant, as she stared as best she can through the cakes and pies, at the yellowy circle held against Ellie Taylors lovely round arse. Ellie continued her maddening commentary.
“She bends into position…”
Shappi saw the circle come slightly closer, Taylor still holding the tin at and angle against the backside of her leggings, and moaned, for the first time in a pleading tone.
“Oh GOD NO – AGHHHHHHHH – MMMMMPPMMMPHHHHH!”
With one very proud action, Ellie quickly stuck her bum out behind her, simultaneously letting go of the tin. The yellow and firm slime of the tart squelched disgustingly onto Shappi’s bewildered and grimacing face as she screamed, being silenced to a wailing muffle as the cream crept into her mouth and plastered her. Ellie pressed backward further, watching behind her as the tin somehow sucked up more of the embarrassed victims face, fully giving her a facial of sticky yellow. Ellie took a hold of the tin again to steady it a bit, and began humming Shake It Off by Taylor Swift.
“Hmm hmm… and now…TWERK!”
With the tart still wrapped around a reddening Shappi, who could of course still hear every word, Ellie jiggled her butt up and down in swift motion, and slightly bending down as she performed the infamous move. Bobbing up and down to her will, the head of her rival squelched and continued to try and scream through a mouthful of lemon jam at what was happening. Ellie stopped and wriggled from side to side, firmly planting the pastry somehow further into Shappi’s face, so much so that the humiliated woman felt her nose pressing on through the stale base and to the metal tin. Ellie held the tin in place once more between her ass and Shappi’s features, and bent down, to touch her toes. Grabbing her phone from her pocket, she pulled a face, taking a glorious selfie; ass planted firmly in Shappi’s face with a tin of gooey lemon as a buffer, and holding it there for a few more moments. She eventually straightened up and strutted a few feet forward and turned to look at the stocks.
“A PERFECT move there from Ellie Taylor, tart and tart planted in place. Full marks.”
God, am I…losing the plot?
The tin, crumpled and out of shape peeled off. Shappi had her face twisted and contorted, the lemon giving a nice glazing to the cream and chocolate underneath. She didn’t even move her mouth this time to spit anything out, or even open her eyes. She simply stood, head in stocks, her face well and truly plastered in mess. Ellie smiled again and took another photo of this.
Yes. Yes, I, am. About time I did too.
“After such a top score, celebration is in order!”
She picked up a bottle of champagne from underneath the table and shook it quickly.
Like the gun before, she almost seemed to crank the bottle as she uncorked it. One eye open, Shappi had only just seen what was happening and gasped in a posh sort of sound as Ellie aimed the spraying liquid right at the messy woman. The drink sprayed out all over the place upon making contact with Shappi, going all over, to the sides, above, below – she was being drenched in the contents of the bottle. To be fair, some of the mess was now being washed, off, but her hair was being completely ruined now. Because of her facing forward through the stock, some of the champagne was seeping down her top and drenching her front. It made her feel like a kid spilling their lunch over themselves.
“This is for that wine two years back, remember?”
Ellie laughed loudly over the fizzing and foaming, and eventually the champagne stopped flowing. She put the bottle down and sighed happily. Khorsandi looked up, wet through now and nodded at her. She went away for a few minutes and came back, to which Shappi had regained herself.
“OK. You can let me out now, you’ve had your fun.”
Ellie shrugged and let her out. Shappi stood up, her top ruined from fragments of the mess, some of the grease and the champagne now. Her upper body looked a state, unlike her relatively fine lower half. Ellie nodded.
“Yeah. It was fun that. But…I don’t know, maybe you can still prove to me that you’re funny. OH! I know!”
She suddenly pushed Shappi backward onto a seat.
“Wellington boots are funny huh?”
Ellie walked to the side as Shappi watched her, and brought over her discarded wellies from before. Ellie plonked them down happily. Shappi opened her mouth in discomfort; one was full to the brim with custard by the look of it, the other with whipped cream. She looked up at Ellie.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not walking out of here in them.”
“I know you aren’t. But you are going to wear at least one of them.”
She reached over Shappi suddenly, bringing down a bar, which held her in place. Ellie then bent down and picked up the cream filled boot, happily smiling. She looked at Shappi’s right foot. It was soft, and the toenails were painted a lovely shade of brown. Very pampered. Her leg looked stunning as always too, just right for being destroyed. Ellie cackled.
I’m enjoying this a bit too much I think.
“Your foot m’lady!”
“GET OFF! NO!”
Ellie wrestled with Shappi’s foot, which caused the older woman to giggle a little bit, but only out of tenderness. She was still visibly annoyed. Finally, Ellie got a good grip and smiled at Shappi. She put on her best sinister smile, and without even looking, slowly dunked Shappi’s foot into the creamy footwear. Her toes of course went in first, the cream having been chilled, sent a tingle up her leg. The base of her foot followed, and then her ankle. The thick cream wasn’t fresh, just like with the pies, but it was still a little fluffy, despite it’s thickness. The cream blubbed out of the rim of the wellies now, streaking down the side as Shappi’s foot sunk lower and lower into it. Finally, Ellie let go of her, and Shappi began to moan. It was disgusting. Cold, slimy and of course making her feel even more embarrassed. Ellie decided to stay knelt in front of Shappi, and now repeated the process with the other foot and boot. The custard was lumpy, equally as cold and felt even worse for Shappi, as her toes squelched in the custardy boot. Ellie finally let go and admired her handiwork, two feet planted firmly in messy boots, Shappi held in place by the bar.
“Mmmm, lovely. Well it was, until you’re smelly feet plonked right into them-”
Shappi saw her chance, and booted Ellie with one of the messy boots in the stomach. Ellie fell back, not in pain, but winded nonetheless. As she lay there coughing a little bit and trying to come back to her senses, Shappi awkwardly managed to get the Wellington boots off of her feet. Cream and custard was slathered all around her feet, in between her toes and halfway up her long legs. It was chilly and sticky. She cringed for a moment then looked at Ellie, who had gotten up on all fours, recovered from her moment of weakness. Shappi smiled, manically almost and spoke.
“Smelly feet eh? Ohhhhh…”
She lifted her creamy foot up. Ellie focused and looked at it, mouth open at Shappi’s sudden turning of the tables.
“You my dear…”
She then smushed her messy feet right into Ellie’s gawping face, instantly slathering the girl with custard and cream. She smiled, as Ellie was simply too mortified to move, which allowed her to fully wipe her slimy ends into and around her tormentors smug mug. Ellie scrunched up her features and moaned a little bit, as the messy feet painted her and covered her in messy cream and custard. Shappi then chose the yellow custardy foot, as opposed to the white creamy one, and pinched Ellie’s nose with her big toe and next toe along, and motioned Ellie’s head to the right.
She then led her rivals face to the left.
And back to the right.
Ellie sat there, her nose clamped and mouth wide open. Shappi then placed one foot on top her Ellie’s head and pushed downward, knowing exactly what to do next. Ellie was still having the horrible punishment of her nose between Shappi’s gooey toes, as she opened her eyes and looked where she was being pushed down into.
“Whew. That most be horrible. A whole day walking around in those. I know just how to get that smell off of you.”
Slowly but surely, Ellie’s face was pushed into the brim of the wellington boot full of cream, just about being a snug fit for it. Shappi held a triumphant foot on Ellie’s head, as she spluttered once. Shappi then let her come back, her face now covered in cream, but scrunched up and contorted from her ordeal. She blew away some cream from her lips.
“And now…for the more horrible one. Can’t imagine how this custard is about to smell you know Ellie.”
As Shappi pushed Ellie toward it, Ellie managed to mumble.
And with that, her face got dunked into the brim of the smelly, custard filled boot. Shappi stuck out a tongue in victory as her tormenter was forced to get a face-full of the horrible gunge in the welly. After a few moments, Shappi let go, and Ellie raised up hurriedly out of the horrible boot, coughing a little bit. This one was obviously worse by the looks of it than the cream filled one. She fell backward onto her bum and lay on the cold metal breathing heavily, face screwed up as she wiped her mouth and tried not to think of the faint but nasty odour on her now. Shappi watched her and nodded.
“We’re not done are we?”
“No, we are not.”
A clang rang out, and Shappi’s bar rose up, just as Ellie sat up to look at her.
To be continued…
So that is part 1 of ‘The Throwdown’.
Like I said, these stories are…spontaneous. I go in with a basic idea and it just goes wherever it goes. But if you have any ideas, do let me know, I can maybe work it in.
I hope you guys enjoyed it though, considering it’s been a while since I posted. I especially with this one love the twerking scene and the scene right at the end there with the tables turned. Those are examples of the story just branching off randomly.
Next part should be up within the week. And as for NGYOB, I now have more time on my hands, but I can’t say exactly WHEN it will be back. But I do plan on bringing it back fully.