The segment opens with Sian sitting amongst the hen party in the seat that Leah once occupied.
Sian: Welcome to the final part of this edition of Comeuppance, presented by me, Sian Welby! There’s been a big response to the developments of the previous segment, so thanks to everybody who’s dialled in to have their say. Voting is of this moment closed, so please stop calling; your vote won’t figure into our final scores, but a charge might yet appear on your bill.
Sian turns to a woman sitting beside her, who is dressed in a fairy costume.
Sian: I’m speaking here with Heidi, Leah’s best friend and maid of honour. Heidi, it was also you who contacted us to set Leah up, wasn’t it?
Heidi: [with pride] That’s right Sian.
Sian: You and your crew must be pleased with the way the scores are shaping up.
Heidi: Absolutely delighted. I mean, it would be rude not to dunk her on her hen night!
There’s a chorus of agreement from Heidi’s fellow revellers. Up on the stage, Leah shakes her head with a wry smile.
Sian: Well Heidi, I have potentially more good news for you. If Leah gets voted for a comeuppance – and I stress it’s only an if – it’s only fair that you should press the button to send her in! Come up on the stage with me!
Heidi’s eyes light up. She and Sian get to their feet and go up onto the stage.
Sian: Gail and Ashley, don’t go thinking you’re safe; this is still an open contest. Gail, what did you promise you will do if you get voted into the Mucky Dip?
Gail: [decidedly less confident than earlier] Kiss a pig.
Sian: Indeed you did, and we’ve got hold of one for that very purpose. Tom, bring out the pig please!
One of the guards walks out carrying a giant piggy bank. There are a few groans of disappointment from the audience.
Sian: Oh come on, it’s the best we could do at short notice. This ain’t the Bullingdon Club! [Taps earpiece] Ok, I’m getting word that verification is complete. The scores are in!
The lights dim, save the three spotlights, and the dramatic music begins. Leah has a hand against the side of her face, looking more resigned than tense. Yet despite the huge lead she commanded at half time, her co-contestants Ashley and Gail look a little unnerved.
Sian: The people have voted, and their decision is as follows.
Leah squeals and puts her hands over her face. Heidi jumps for joy and the hen party likewise cheer below. Gail and Ashley high-five, or at least would have done if their cages had been close enough.
Sian: Twas never going to be any other way, was it? Lads, take her away for an early honeymoon!
Sian’s heavies duly haul a squeamishly grinning Leah our of her cage. Leah flashes a look to Heidi as she is marched away to the chair.
Sian: Heidi, you get yourself over by the plinth. [Unlocks Ashley’s cage] I’m afraid I have a more galling task to perform first. [Unlocks Gail’s cage with a sigh] Everyone brace yourselves for some double disappointment!
Ashley and Gail step out of their cages grinning.
Sian: Ashley, you lived up to your oily stereotype tonight, so it’s a frustrating irony that you and your suit will return to the forecourt clean, dry and fragrant. How do you feel?
Ashley: [pumping her fist] Loving it Sian! I knew I wouldn’t be a lemon.
Sian: And Gail, it’s been a rollercoaster ride for you. You came very close to a Comeuppance last week, but Leah saved your bacon this time. Sad to say, you won’t be going anywhere near that pig or our stenchy slop. Are you “somewhat satisfied” or “very satisfied”?
Sian: I’m sure you are! Instant reaction on Twitter is that the two of you are the jammiest dodgers on the series so far, so here are those trophies. Ashley, I trust this will look very spruce in your showroom, and Gail, you can take this door to door to wind up the householders you prey on. Thanks, both of you, for coming on the show.
Sian [warily] Right, what is it?
Gail: It’s a 500-question telephone survey about cars!
Sian: Forget it! I haven’t got the patience to sit through five hundred questions!
Gail: [sweetly] We thought of that. That’s why I’m going to phone you up to ask you a single question each day!
Ashley: [with a mean-spirited grin] For the next 500 days!
Sian: [face falls] How wonderful. Ladies and gents, an infuriated round of applause for these two escapees.
The audience dole out their usual tepid clap to Ashley and Gail, who walk off-stage chuckling and slapping each other on the back.
Sian: But looking on the bright side, this outcome means that we’ll start the next episode with a clean slate. In fact, that’s a clue to what the theme will be, so make sure you tune in for it! [Arrives at the plinth, where a chuffed Heidi is waiting] And make sure you stay tuned in now, because Leah our hairdressing hen is all set for a shampoo and colouring in our salon of slime!
The now-familiar tune of doom strikes up, accompanying a side-on view the morass of multi-coloured gunge in the Mucky Dip. The camera lifts away from the gaudy goo, meeting Leah’s fishnet-clad feet just over a yard up, and continuing up her slender shins and thighs. The fluffy hem of her costume bunches awkwardly, and Leah either doesn’t realise or doesn’t care that a pair of red sequined panties are quite literally flashing at the audience. Onwards the camera rises, panning over Leah’s lace-up bodice, and finally arriving at her head. Leah has her arms outstretched in good-natured resignation to her fate. She peers down and exchanges some banter with Heidi.
Sian: Leah, you were hoping for a messy hen night, and you’re certainly going to get one! How long to the wedding – three weeks, did you say? Mmmmm… you should be clean by then!
Leah puts her hands to her face with a squeamish giggle.
Sian: Heidi, this is your big moment, so if you would stand right here for the camera – that’s it – and get ready with that button. [Backs away] Leah, from all your friends who get rinsed in your salon…
Sian, Heidi and audience: HERE IS YOUR COMEUPPANCE!!!
With a huge grin, Heidi heaves down the button with both hands. Instead of the usual explosions and sparks around the studio, a siren wails. A second later it is joined by a second wailing – coming out of Heidi’s mouth. A fountain of green slime engulfs the maid of honour, erupting KCA-style from a couple dozen nozzles concealed in the stage in a ring around her. Some of the nozzles spray high, splashing Heidi in the face and chest and coating her hair. But causing more consternation are those jetlets aimed lower down – straight up her dress! Up in the chair, Leah laughs and claps heartily as she watches this reversal of fortunes.
Screaming, and with the encircling wall of goo providing no easy route of escape, Heidi leaps into the air like a ballerina. When she returns to earth her feet slide on the stage and she topples over, landing belly-down on top of the spurting jets. Her pink fairy dress is now a snotty green, her wings sodden and her hair dripping. Spluttering, she blindly tries to fight her way to her feet, but can get neither traction nor bearing, and slips over again. Leah is in fits at the sight of her friend rolling about in the goo, and the Hen Party cheers wildly.
The upblast slows to a trickle and then stops completely, leaving a big green puddle in which the equally green maid of honour flounders. The guards step in and haul her to her feet.
Sian: [hastily backstepping as the puddle spreads outwards] And the surprises keep coming! Heidi, we couldn’t let you get off scot-free after being so mean to your best friend!
Now back on her feet, Heidi laughs ruefully as she wipes her face. Gunge drips from the collapsed hem of her dress.
Sian: But I’m not sure what you have to cackle about, Leah! Things are about to get far worse for you! [Takes out a white remote control with a single red button] On behalf of everyone who’s narked by haughty hairdressers or rowdy hen parties…
Sian and audience: HERE IS YOUR COMEUPPANCE!!!
Aiming the remote, Sian presses the button. This time the grand sound and light show duly materialises, and Leah screams as the chair succumbs to gravity. The bride-to-be plops into the Mucky Dip, sending the multicoloured slop overspilling the rim in a vertical rainbow down the side of the tank. The cables shimmy for a few seconds then pull up, returning the hen to her starting position, as the trombone plays the four notes of Here Comes The Bride, slightly out of tune.
Leah emerges totally slathered in the thick blancmangesque gunk, decorated with haphazard streaks and splotches of the various vivid hues. No trace of black remains in her costume, which weighs wetly against her body, her arm-veils dangling saturated. Leah’s legs are coated from her squirming toes all the way up to her lap, where her skirt has turned inside-out, exposing her. There is, however, no sign of those sequined panties under the large pile of muck around her crotch, and Leah seems to have overlooked this malfunction, more preoccupied with the overwhelming assault on her senses.
Higher up, Leah’s face and the rest of her head have become one under a mask of colour. Her devil-horns can be made out as two lumpy protrusions, one jade the other a deep violet, and behind them her hair bun has become a mound of orange and green. Leah’s mouth gapes as wide as is surely possible, her eyes blinking and darting in shock amidst the gunge. She leans forwards in the chair, arching her back as she spreads her arms in front of her.
Down in the audience, her hen party pals are going mental, pogoing in their seats and slapping each other on the shoulders. Heidi too claps and laughs as she stands dripping.
As Leah begins to laugh – a hysterical, half-screaming laugh – a great load of white gunk tops her off from above, racheting her hysterics yet higher.
Sian: Wowee!! I do love a white wedding! Super! [In a loud whisper] Uh, Leah… Leah darling, you need to sort yourself out downstairs.
Confused, Leah looks down and emits a further shriek of embarrassment as she sees the compromising configuration of her dress. She hurriedly pulls the ruined garment over her legs as best she can.
Sian: Well that brings a whole new meaning to “bridal shower”, and it’s only fitting that we relive the big moment in super slow-mo.
The replay shows Leah cringe and squeal as the chair drops. The red tips of her horns are the last part of her in view, the multicoloured muck splashing around them as they descend into the Dip.
Sian: And from our eye in the sky!
Leah’s plunge is shown from the overhead perspective. As the chair hits the muck, her dress rides up before disappearing into the gloop. The churning colours wash over Leah’s brunette hair and devil horns, completing her immersion.
Sian: And finally, the moment the tables turn on Heidi!
As Heidi stands triumphantly at the plinth, the jets of green erupt from the floor to meet her. Heidi’s expression first changes to confusion, then she shrieks in shock. Her face is a perfect picture when a blast of green hits home between her legs.
Back in the present, Heidi stands wringing her hair out. Leah has scooped the worst from her face and is trying to clean out her ears.
Leah: Leah, considering you knew nothing about this until a few hours ago, you’ve taken it extremely well, so thanks for being a tremendous sport. We all wish you and Mark a wonderful wedding and happy marriage. Let’s hope the guests don’t all pinch their noses when you walk down the aisle! At least you’re wearing something blue – and green, and purple, and red, and yellow, and orange… ha ha ha!
Leah: [with mock sternness] Needless to say, Sian, you’re not invited!
Sian: [feigning a hurt expression] Awww!! And I’d gone to the trouble of getting some confetti for you!
Confetti duly rains from the heavens onto Leah – a moderate sprinkle at first, then great heaps of the stuff. The tiny bits of paper stick all over Leah’s head, face and body, adding yet another layer of colour.
Sian: In case you’re wondering where all this stuff comes from, take a look up there.
Sian gestures the cameraman to aim upwards. In the rafters of the studio is a walkway, upon which Sasha Holdsworth is stationed with a bounty of supplies.
Sasha: Hi there Leah! Many Congratulations! [Empties another box]
Sian: Sasha, I think Heidi would like some confetti too!
While Heidi stands having confetti dumped on her in the background of the shot, Sian circumnavigates the puddle of slime and stands at the front of the stage.
Sian: And the bells are ringing out to mark the end of this episode. Thanks for watching, thanks for voting, see you again soon!
The outro music commences and Sian waves as the shot recedes. The camera sweeps out over the audience, including the jubilant hen party. Leah and Heidi share a joke as the confetti continues to assail them. The parting scene is a slow-mo replay of a very colourful and gungy Leah rising from the Mucky Dip.