The usual disclaimer about the vote results being accurate at time of writing applies.
After what felt like a week but was only half an hour, the show returned. Suzi looked into a nearby camera and spoke. “Welcome back to the Slop Drop. I’m here with feminist media critic Anita Sarkeesian and critic of feminism Shoe0nHead, or June to her friends.” Anita waved to the camera rather calmly, whereas June seemed to be a bit more nervous. “Now in the old series of Suzi’s Slop Drop, I’d settle a score from our audience members then reveal the results as they stand at this point. However, we’re going to play around with the format for tonight,” she explained. She then looked to Anita. “So, how do you think the vote is going, Anita?”
Anita shrugged her shoulders and said, “I have no idea, personally. Of course I hope it’s going well and that people are voting to see June get slimed but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are.”
“Because people are easily manipulated by the media they consume, and they very well may have consumed the parts where she made her argument?”
Anita chuckled at Suzi borrowing her logic. “Well, that and the large group of people out there who despise me.”
“I dunno, a lot of the feedback seems to be suggesting I’ve been too harsh on you so far,” Suzi shrugged. “I may be acerbic, but I do try and remain neutral in all the arguments brought up on here!”
“Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as what some people say to me on a daily basis anyway,” said Anita.
“And as much as I’d love to get into that, we simply do not have the time if we’re going to get everything else we need to do done in our allotted time,” Suzi said, before looking to Anita’s rival. “So June, same question to you. How do you think the vote’s going?”
“I have no idea either!” June said with a slightly hesitant laugh. “Just, hopefully everyone’s voting for Anita to get it!”
“Really? Neither of you are going to make a prediction? How dull!” Suzi scoffed. “Still, I mentioned to Anita that we’d received feedback suggesting I may have been harder on Anita than on you.”
June raised her left eyebrow slightly. “Okay? I hadn’t noticed a difference.”
“I know, right? I feel like there’s a bit of an elephant in the room, though – what’s with the feminism hate?” asks Suzi. “I know you touched upon it before, saying something like it’s not about equality but is instead a toxic man-hate cult, but could you give a bit more detail?”
“Oh, sure!” June says with a grin. “So feminism is the fight for women to have the same rights as men, right? Well, we’ve got them already, and if you look at some of the most pressing feminist issues, they’re either straight-up myths like the wage gap and rape culture, or trivial or personal shit like ‘manspreading’, ‘mansplaining’, catcalling and what’s on a scientist’s shirt. And the worst part is that they’re so focused on either silencing or converting people they disagree with. Let’s not get into the double standards that feminists and social justice warriors have.”
Suzi waves her hand. “Alright June, that’s a lot to take in so I hope you don’t mind me stopping you there. In what way are the wage gap and rape culture ‘myths’?”
June reached into the pocket of her jeans and brought out a small yellow button with “Muh Wage Gap” written on it in permanent marker. She pressed it and a recording of her talking played. “The wage gap is simply the average earnings of men and women working full time. It does not count for different job positions, hours worked or different jobs. It has nothing to do with the same job. It has nothing to do with discrimination.” Just before the recording ended, she casually discard the button over her shoulder. She then herself added, “As for rape culture, it’s ridiculous to say that men are encouraged by society to rape women when it’s not only a crime, but considered probably the most heinous crime one could commit!” As June talked, Anita crossed her arms and pouted, shaking her head derisively.
“Well, alright!” Suzi said, clearing her throat. “Still, aren’t you also trying to ‘convert’ people who are feminists by making your videos and appearing on this show, though?” Suzi pointed out.
June shook her head. “I’m not trying to make anyone do anything. I’m just pointing out the other side to what they have to say and helping people make an informed choice as to whether they support feminism or not. Someone’s got to do that. Besides, arguing to get Anita in the gunge has been fun so far!”
Suzi giggles a little bit as she looks to the big screen behind her. “I wonder if you’ll find the next bit so fun! One new addition to the show is our Pie Chart. It’s what we’re going to use to show the vote percentages,” she explains as a big, light green circle appears on the screen. “Speaking of pies, how about a little bet? Whoever’s got the most votes at this point gets a pie… in the face!”
Anita and June both cringe a little bit and look to each other, then exchange a small chuckle. “I’m game if Anita is,” says June.
“Bring it on!” adds Anita.
“Good turn of phrase! Natalie, the pie!” Suzi snaps her fingers. A tall, rather curvaceous woman with eerily white skin, pink eyes and long, blue dreadlocks walks onto the set. She’s wearing a black corset with light blue highlights on it, a black miniskirt and combat boots. In her hands is a large custard pie, just over forty centimetres in diameter, in an aluminium foil tin with lashings of whipped cream and strawberry sauce. “Nat, would you mind saying who you are for the benefit of the audience?”
The girl nods, her dreads wiggling a bit. “I’m Natalie Orwell, or r1vetgrrl to my online pals. I’m the head of the build team on these shows, and it’s my job to design and construct the various ways we cover our guests in horrible slop,” she explains, trying to downplay her natural Cardiff accent for the sake of the international viewers.
“So you’re responsible for whatever contraption is waiting for one of our guests, right?” Suzi asks.
“That’s right, love. I designed it, I oversaw its construction, and I helped to make the gunge,” Natalie explains. “I also made this for you.” She hands Suzi the pie.
“Well thanks! Oh, and stick around – I can think of nobody more qualified to help with the preview run!” Suzi smiles. She stands up and walks over to the couch, holding the pie right in front of Anita and June. “One of you is going to be wearing that in a moment!”
“Eww!” June squirms.
Anita tries to put on a brave smile, but her expression is more of a nervous grimace. “Hopefully not me!”
“How about we find out! Let’s see how people have been voting!” Suzi smirks. A dark green line draws itself from the middle of the circle up to the very top edge, then begins to go clockwise, turning the circle dark in its wake. However, it doesn’t go very far, until two text boxes say what the small segment means.
Anita takes a deep sigh of relief, but then smiles with a sense of self-satisfaction. June just buries her face in her hands. “Wow, I think that is the most one-sided vote I’ve seen!” Suzi laughs. “I’m half-tempted to just end the show here and have us go straight to the gunging, because that’s a hell of a margin!”
“NOOOO!” June squeals, though with a slight laugh. She turns bright red as she curls up, then stomps her feet on the ground with a nervous giggle.
“But, it has been known for major reversals of fortune to occur in gunge votes, so I’m not gonna. However, what I am going to do is pie June!” Suzi grins, slightly meanly. “So, if you would kindly move your hands away from your face.
June did so, closing her eyes tightly and exhaling deeply. As Suzi shoved the pie into the YouTuber’s face, June let out a very muffled scream through her shut mouth. The whipped cream engulfed her and made a huge wave of sweet, white gooeyness, before being replaced with a thicker, yellow slop. It completely covered her face, and the size of the pie meant it flew back and washed over her neck and hair. Suzi even bent the pie over the top of June’s head, just to make sure it really covered her. As the presenter’s hands moved back with the foil tray, cream, custard and crumbling crust all smeared down June’s face and hair, and onto her top. “Eww!”
“Suits you!” Suzi giggled.
“Maybe we should call you Goo0nHead?” suggested Anita.
June wiped her eyes and flicked the pie from her fingers onto the floor. “Eurgh, you two are so gonna pay for that!”
“Well, that depends on how people vote. Speaking of, links for voting should be shown below the video, so don’t forget to!” Suzi said, before looking back to Natalie. “So, now our contestants are very aware of how the vote’s looking, shall we see what’s in store for our losing contestant?”
“I thought you’d never ask!” Natalie grinned and rubbed her hands together as the screen behind them shut off and raised up to reveal the Slop Drop. As was to be expected, there was a large pit of gunge, though it had been dug into the floor so how deep it was couldn’t be seen. It was easily two metres across, however. The gunge itself was obscured by a layer of dry ice, but it was clearly a hot pink in colour, and seemed to be bubbling. The bubbles popping on the surface stretched out, showing that it was a very thick goo. There was barely a gap between the top of the gunge and the rim of the pool, which had been padded with foam. “Take a whiff of that, love!”
Suzi knelt down by the pit and sniffed it. “Eurgh! Smells a bit like strawberries, but there’s more to it than that!” she winced. “What is it?”
“Well, given the colour I thought an aroma of strawberry would be fitting, but I must admit something,” said the Welsh albino. “The other day I was in the pub, and who would walk in but Sasha Holdsworth?!”
Suzi gasped. “The Sasha Holdsworth? Muckologist-in-chief on Comeuppance?”
“The very same! So after we shared stories about silly interns and useless stage hands she says to me, ‘Natalie, your gunge devices are amazing, but your actual gunge could use some work. I don’t think it’s quite disgusting enough,’ and I’m just like, ‘oh, well that’s interesting because I think your show’s great and your gunge is fantastic, but I’m not all that impressed with your Mucky Dip, like’. So that’s when we got the idea to join up and create this: The Patriarchy Pit! A two-metre wide and one metre deep pit full of malodorous gunge with a distinct stink of rotting fruit, with this feeding it,” Natalie points to the large pipe, a meter wide on the inside with a thick silver wall on the outside, leading from the pit, upwards, twisting, turning and at one point even helixing, until it reached a large metal tower with a spiral staircase leading up to it. “The Patriarchy Pipe! I’ll talk you through it. Let’s go!”
“Oh man, this is going to be a riot!” Suzi grins as she and Natalie dash up the spiral stairs.
When they reach the top, Natalie points out a large metal hopper poised above the entrance to the tube. “In that hopper there’s almost as much gunge as is in the actual pit. That’s there to wash away the poor sod who has to go down it.”
“So it’s like a water slide,” Suzi surmises.
“Pretty much. Now of course, I’ve got a rule of no shoes on my contraptions, so if you’ll give me a second…” Natalie took off her combat boots, quickly followed by her socks. “They’re not going to help me grip the polished metal,” she said as she stuffed them in her boots and placed them by the entrance to the pipe. She crouched down and stepped into the pipe, Suzi following behind. The two of them placed their hands on the inside walls of the pipe for
The top of the pipe had various coloured LED inside, which were currently switched on and just bright enough so the two women could see, but not be blinded. There were also tiny cameras inside, ready to capture the descent of whoever was inside. “Oh wow! This is pretty!” Suzi grinned.
“It won’t be when the thing’s active, though. The lights will flash and flicker,” Natalie explained as she treaded through. “Oh, and look out for the nozzles in the walls!”
Suzi felt a little bump underneath her right palm. She moved her hand away and saw a small tube poking out. “Oh, that’ll be one. Guess more gunge is going to flow through them?”
“Not just gunge but all sorts of muck! Whoever has to go down this will end up a real state before they even hit the pit!” Natalie grinned. “Now be careful, there’s a bit of a steep drop here.”
A mean thought then came to Suzi’s mind – no doubt a side-effect of her spending a lot of time hanging out with “Nasty” Nicki Stevens. “So erm, I’m impressed with what you’ve done here, but is it all much like this?” she asked.
“Pretty much. It’ll look so much more impressive when it’s ac–Argh!” Before Natalie could finish, she felt Suzi’s right foot on her back. The cybergoth lost balance and fell forwards, the power of gravity pulling her face-first down the slide. Her clothing, smooth as it was, didn’t do much to slow her down.
“Good to know! Now, I’ve got a show to host. See you later, Nat!” Suzi yelled, before climbing up the pipe.
“You’ll pay for that, Suziiiiiiii!” Natalie screamed back as she hurtled down the tube. Suzi clambered out of the pipe a few seconds before Natalie ended up flying out of the bottom and head first through the dry ice and into the gunge pit. Lucky for her she didn’t hit the walls (even though they were padded). Instead she vanished into the gunge all on her own – first her distinctive blue dreadlocks, then her body and finally her feet. She thrashed around under the gunge to try and surface, which thankfully didn’t take too long. Totally covered and hardly recognisable, she wiped the gunge from her face and turned to flip the birds at Suzi, who was stood at the top of the tower laughing.
“Yeah, well maybe build a gunge machine that doesn’t need a guided tour next time!” Suzi cackled as she ran down the stairs to her chair. She sat down, crossed her legs and looked to her guests. “So, that’s what you’re up against – a coked-up water slide. Anita, what do you think?”
Anita looked to Natalie in the pit. “It’s not a ride I’d ever go on, that’s for sure! Poor Natalie…”
“Poor Natalie nothing! Falling into vats of goo is an everyday occupational hazard in this sector!” Suzi giggled.
“Did you have to kick her in, though? Media depictions of violence against women promote real life misogyny,” Anita frowned.
Suzi rolled her eyes. “Even though I’m a woman. Well anyway, we’re almost out of time so June, your thoughts?”
June just laughed to herself. “Wow, that actually looks fun!”
“Fun?” Suzi scoffed, raising her left eyebrow. “Why do you say that?”
“I’m on 87% and I’m covered in pie. Unless a miracle happens, I’m going down!” June laughed. “So screw it, why not take it like a champ?”
Suzi shrugged her shoulders. “I suppose that’s a fair point! Well folks, we’re out of time for this part. Anita may look safe now, but the vote could change so easily. So, regardless of who you want to see end up in the Patriarchy Pit, get voting!”
A great philosopher once said: “I’ve started so I’ll finish”.