Sian: Welcome back to Comeuppance! I’m Sian Welby. Tonight we have fashion vlogger Princess Priscilla, student union officer Monique and nutritionist Cara in the offing for a slopping! And I have to say, the lineup has generated a lot of debate on social media, including some strong criticism of the show itself—
Sian is interrupted by shouting from the audience. The camera swings round to reveal a short-haired woman on her feet, dressed in a pink t-shirt with H.Y.M.E.N. emblazoned across it.
Protester: …You put women in cages! You dunk them in gunk! And now you take the piss out of feminism! This programme is a pile of patriarchal puke!
Sian: [to Monique] Has this got anything to do with you?
Monique shakes her head with a blank expression.
Protester: The director is a misogynist and a perv! He gets off on the humiliation of women! Well I have a message for him!
The Protester pulls off her t-shirt, revealing herself to be braless. A huge cheer goes up from the male contingent of the audience. The crew scramble to provide pixelation.
Protester: [chanting] MAMMARIES NOT MUCKY DIP!! MAMMARIES NOT MUCKY DIP!!
Sian: [laughing] Oh for goodness sake! Tom and Charlie, please escort this “lady” from the premises!
The two guards stride into the audience. Unabashed by the woman’s nudity, they grab her by an arm each and march her out of the studio as she continues to chant.
Sian: Anyone else? Let’s get this over and done with.
There are no takers from the audience.
Sian: Good. As I was saying, this episode is attracting a bit of criticism, but hey, we can take it! We love to hear what you think, either on the Comeuppance Facebook page or on Twitter, using the hashtag #comeuppance.
Sian takes up position in front of the cages.
Sian: But remember, it’s votes not voices that will seal the fates of these three! Ladies, the midway scores are in and they make for interesting reading. I could divulge them to you now, but it’s more fun to watch you squirm with the uncertainty while we present your possible punishment to you! So without further ado…
Audience: LET’S PREVIEW THE GOO!!!
The view switches to the top-down camera. The design in the circular opening is instantly recognisable as an “acid house” smiley face. The gunge is a dazzling canary yellow, though blending to a sunny orange in places, with a dimpled smile and a pair of dot eyes conscientiously drawn in black. As the camera zooms in on the beaming yellow icon, the faces displayed in the corner of the screen show rather more mixed expressions. Priscilla’s mouth hangs open in disbelief, Monique grins nervously as she bites a nail, and Cara purses her lips in a squeamish pout.
The scene transitions to the rim-side camera, the smiley face stretching before it. The gunk has a smooth appearance with a muted shininess like thick custard. The surface is generally quite flat, though with a gently layered texture. An additional glaze of black goo forms the facial features, standing an inch higher than the yellow background.
Sian: What a friendly sight to greet one of our contestants! That bright yellow hue will be particularly humiliating, and it comes with the fittingly sulphurous stench of rotten eggs! Uugghh, rather one of you than me!
The camera sweeps the three discomfited women in their cages.
Sian: Ok, I think I’ve tormented them enough! Let’s reveal the mid-way scores; they are as follows:
Priscilla puts her hands to her cheeks, her jaw dropping. Cara looks a little edgy. Monique smiles and gives an approving nod.
Priscilla: Oh no! Not again!
Sian: [looking very pleased] Oh yes again! A nice robust lead for Priscilla there. Cara occupying the middle ground. But Monique, I wouldn’t smirk if I were you; you know what happened to Veronica last week! Ladies, in the wake of these scores, you each have fifteen seconds to tell the public why you shouldn’t say hello to that smiley face! Monique, we’ll hear from you first, and bear in mind the muck is far worse than any Rag Week bean bath.
Monique: [arms folded and looking aloof] Call me a killjoy all you want. There’s a time and place for students to enjoy themselves, and it’s not at my union! Having fun might offend the differently humoured, and it’s my responsibility to uphold a safe sp—
The klaxon blares, cutting off Monique. A few boos emanate from the audience.
Sian: Hmmm, they weren’t amused by that, Monique! Cara, let’s hear from you next.
Cara: [shrugs with a sweet smile] There’s no way I can go in the Mucky Dip! That stuff looks like it has a poor glycemic index and is full of empty calories, and I bet it isn’t gluten free either. [Clutches stomach] Uuuff! I feel bloated just looking at it!
Cara finishes just in the time for the klaxon, which is followed by a moderate level of booing.
Sian: Ha, being bloated will be the least of your problems! [Steps up close to Priscilla’s cage] Now then my princess! I don’t want to rub it in, or gloat, or be in any way delighted at how the scores are shaping up, but your crown appears to be slipping! You had a miracle escape last week but I wouldn’t count on it happening again, so you better make a killer appeal here. Oh, and don’t let my insipid lipstick put you off hun.
Priscilla: [wringing her hands beseechingly] You can’t gunge me! I’m the girly girl you can hang out with online, the confidant who gives you makeup advice you were afraid to ask, the popular girl you wish spoke to you at school. I’m the lovely, beautiful Princ—
The siren blasts, followed by profuse booing and hissing. Priscilla wilts with dismay at the response.
Sian: [nodding grimly] Self-deprecating as ever. Not! See you at the results segment, Princess!
Sian heads to the front of the stage with the cages behind her.
Sian: Whew folks, that was eventful! We always enjoy a lively audience, but we got more than we bargained for this time! Feelings clearly running high in this poll, so why not translate those sentiments into a smelly, squelchy send-down for one of these scoundrels! There’s still plenty of time to vote, and I hope you appreciate that anything can happen on Comeuppance. Over to you.
Alternative poll link