Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
The Bunker is a kid’s show on CBBC about a man named Jamie who lives in an underground bunker and has decided to reject “the upstairs world” in favour of living under the ground with very little communication with anyone. Every week in a segment of the show a celebrity guest will come down to the bunker and speak to Jamie in an attempt to convince him that the “upstairs world” really isn’t so bad and he’s missing out by hiding under the ground, however the only way you can even try to convince Jamie is my sitting in an unfortunate place with plenty of jeopardy.
The segment begins with Jamie who is an archetypal looking 27 year old children’s television presenter. Jamie is wearing blue and red stripy pyjamas and a navy blue dressing gown over the top of it and is wearing big comical pink rabbit slippers.
The Bunker’s set uses dark shades of black and grey with big industrial and factory-like pipes surrounding the set.
Jamie addresses the TV audience in a very faux sombre manner.
“Oh hi there, you from the upstairs world. How are you? Hmm I’m okay, but I have to admit as much as I love it here down the bunker it can get incredibly lonely.”
A phone-like ring is heard and Jamie’s back goes straight with excitement.
“Oh someone from the upstairs world is coming down! Oh, I wonder who it could be.”
The celebrity guests tended to range from soap stars to reality stars to bottom flight pop stars to others that had appeared on CBBC shows. Finding guests however isn’t always an easy task for the program makers, as they were forced to find guests that fell under the category of “Celebrity” that would be recognisable to its audience in some capacity and was content with the potentially (or almost definite) humiliating nature of the show. The show got some early publicity as the unpleasant and delusional “reality star” Gemma Collins appeared on a recording as a guest, but then point-blank refused to accept the humiliating consequence that all the guests that appear on the show face despite the fact that the show’s producers had explained it to her many times prior to the recording, however this was not going to be one of those guests.
Jamie then makes his way over to the large automatic doors that were made to look heavy and like they were made of metal. The doors then open in a machine like manner sliding outwards. We are then introduced to the beautiful comedian Cariad Lloyd who smiles with excitement. Cariad is quite a petite lady and her long brunette hair is quite flat at the top, but gets progressively curly towards her shoulders which is sits wonderfully on top of. She had quite dark eyebrows and an ever so slightly up-turned nose. Cariad is wearing a rather tight black crew-neck jumper that complements her healthy slim figure and a pair of pale blue skinny jeans. Her clothes were not as expensive in cost as the fashionable attire that she usually sports on shows such as QI and Have I Got News for You?, but that’s only because she is aware of exactly what this TV appearance requires her to do.
Jamie addresses Cariad in a military-like fashion.
“Please state your name and occupation?”
“My name is Cariad Lloyd and I am an actress slash comedian”
Cariad replies in a rather endearingly awkward fashion and then giggles and smiles in a way in which hides her top lip and only shows her top set of teeth.
“Cariad? Are you Welsh or something? You don’t sound it”
Despite having a name like Cariad Lloyd, Cariad speaks in a very gentle, quiet and rather sexy posh English accent.
“Well I’m actually half welsh and not fully Welsh, which is why I don’t have a welsh accent”
“What brings you down here woman?”
Jamie replies in an irritating kids presenter fashion.
“Well…I’m here to try and convince you to move out of this pit and live with us in the upstairs world”
“Oh great! Another one of you coming down here wasting my time and trying to convince me to come up to your world, well I tell you something – it isn’t gonna happen little missy!”
“Oh no come on. You have to come. We have cakes and chocolate and biscuits. I mean what have you been eating down here?” Asks Cariad.
“Well I’ve mostly been eating slop. It’s the only thing that doesn’t seem to go off”.
Jamie then picks up a plain white bowl and sticks a spoon in it and reveals a load of lumpy, lentil-y grey sludge which resembles the sort of grim result you get if you try to make a stew with qoarn meat. It then drops from the spoon back into the bowl with a heavy plop sound.
Cariad looks on in hammy disgust showing of the shape of that lovely little nose.
“Well if you come to the upstairs world you can see me in “Licence to Till” on CBBC on Wednesdays.”
Cariad was effectively promoting a CBBC show that she is a part of during this appearance that she is making and this is why she is a relevant guest and why she is recognisable to an audience otherwise too young to have seen her on late night panel shows and adult sitcoms. Licence to Till is an after school sitcom set around a local corner shop where Cariad, a woman in her woman in her thirties plays a mouthy nineteen year old girl named Lauren who is grossly incompetent and is unhelpful and rude to customers in the show. When she plays this character she adopts a faux-working class accent that sounds like a cross between Lily Allen’s “mockney” singing voice and an impression of a young Pat Butcher.
“What is that? Some kind of telly show? Will is be available on VHS at some point? I have a video player.
Jamie says that despite only appearing to be about 27 so therefor pretty much being too young to have never heard of DVD or other media forms that aren’t as heavily obsolete as VHS.
“Well probably not Jamie, but If you come up with me to the upstairs world then you can watch it” replies Cariad like she’s reading it directly from a script.
“Tell me about this show then” Says Jamie like he knows that this is the awkward promotional part of the show.
“Well it’s a sitcom on CBBC at 5 o’clock on Wednesdays about a corner shop. I’m in it and I play Lauren”
Cariad then puts on the aforementioned faux working-class voice.
“Yeah I’m Lauren. I like make-up and want to work in fashion. I totes love One Direction! Harry Styles is my Bae!”
Cariad then resumes to speaking in her normal sexy posh voice.
“So…yeah it’s a fun show and you should come to the upstairs world with me so you can watch it”
Cariad then gives that amazing little giggle and smile.
“Okay, well how do I go about watching this show then, if I do go upstairs with you?”
“Well, you have to have a TV licence and a TV…Do you have any money?”
Jamie pulls out a wallet of his dressing gown and opens up a wallet and speculatively opens it to look inside only to be disappointed that it’s empty.
“Well it looks like I spent all of my money on this bunker”
Jamie looks at Cariad in that awkward manner that customers look at shop assistants when they have had all their items scanned only to find out that they left their wallet at home or their card has for some reason been declined and stopped working and they can’t pay up.
“Drat! I don’t seem to have anything. Hmmmm”
Jamie says in a sombre fashion.
Cariad replies rather optimistically and excitedly
“Well, you can find a job. I’ve heard that the retirement home down the road needs someone to clean the toilets”
It’s strangely acceptable to somehow mock the elderly and those with menial jobs even on kids TV.
“Well I can see that you want me to come up to the above world with you and I might…but…”
Jamie teases in a prolonged and snidely fashion.
There is one condition before I make any concrete decisions.
Cariad then laughs nervously placing her hands over her mouth knowing full well what’s coming.
I have one rule that is you have to convince me above the B.G.D: The Bunker Gunker Dunker!
Cariad audibly giggles with a mixture of nerves and excitement.
The camera the zooms in to Jamie menacing laughing face.
A graphic then covers the screen with a grey background and “Bunker Gunker Dunker over the top of it in a dark green splat font. The graphic then melts off the screen with a drip effect and we see the BGD in all of it’s glory.
The BGD itself is very much the same as the Get Your Own Back Gunk Dunk but it’s made to look like it has wooden panels on the outside perhaps to give the impression that Jamie had made it himself. Much like the GYOB Gunk Dunk there is a ramp and at the very bottom of that ramp is a now nervous looking Cariad Lloyd whose gorgeous ocean blue eyes are staring at the gunge unpleasant gunk beneath her. The gunge is a very dark sort of dark greyish blue with swirls of bright green and red and “Feed Me” written ominously in the gunge like it’s some kind of monster that feeds on the remaining dignity of those who find themselves floundering inside of it. Cariad is also wearing no shoes and her dainty feet are fully exposed. You can also notice her clenching her toes with a mix of nervousness and excitement.
Jamie then explains the premise to Cariad and the audience.
“So here we are at my gunker and as you can see we have the lovely Cariad Lloyd resting above it”
Cariad gives that little giggle and smile again and looks nervous, but excited, like she is aware of the humiliation that awaits her and is perhaps looking forward to it, scared but excited much like the anticipation that you get when you first take your seat on a scary theme park ride and you realize just what you’ve got yourself into.
“So I’m going to give you one whole minute to tell me about yourself without using this word”
The word “Improv” is shown on the screen in a generic white font.
As the word is shown on the corner of the screen we are treated to Cariad speculatively peering down at the gunge almost as if she was counting the atoms in the vat.
“Now Cariad my dear, you have no idea what this word is do you?”
“No, unfortunately I do not”
Cariad replies in a shaky way in which you can detect the nerves in her voice.
“But Mrs Lloyd, if you say that word then a siren is going to go off and that means you have failed my challenge and you will be plopped into my slop. Okay?”
With Jamie’s “okay” being inexplicably patronizing. Cariad then scrunches her beautiful and cherubic little face up and begins to giggle.
“But first I think you look a bit too confident sitting all the way down there. Now if you’re going in then I’m gonna make sure you go in from a height”
Jamie pushes a red button.
“Up you go love”
Cariad very slowly rises up the ramp and away from the gunge and again her lovely eyes are staring into the thick ominous liquid below as this happens. She ten tucks the some of her hair behind her left ear. Cariad is more aware then ever on what is about to happen to her. She knows that she is just moments away from being dropped in to the huge vat below her and every inch of her body is about to be enveloped with that dark thick gunge. She is very active on the UK improv scene and has perfomed 48 hour improv shows. She has done foolish things in the shows that she has appeared in. She is a comedian after all. She is okay with being made to look silly, but she knows full well that the most humiliating moment of her life is just a moment away, however Cariad, as a British woman in her thirties – she grew up watching gunge programs like Get You Own Back and Noel’s House Party so despite being nervous she has secretly wanted to be gunged for some time now.
Are you ready Cariad?
“Oh come on lets get this over with” she says as she as she plays with her soft long brown hair.
“Your time starts now!”
“Okay umm…so I’m Cariad. I’m half Welsh. I’m on Licence to Till on CBBC on Wednesday at five…”
Cariad laughs again and stops for a second.
“I’m a comedian and an actress. I like cake…uhhh I like biscuits…ummm…I’ve acted in theatre and on television I do a lot of Improv comedy and I teach…”
The siren then blares in an unsoundly manner and Cariad’s mouth opens wide with shock and puts her tiny delicate hands over her mouth.
“Oh you failed! The word was Improv! You might be a star of stage and screen, but that’s not going to save you now”
Cariad becomes alarmed all of a sudden aware of what about to happen to her.
Cariad closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and puts her clenched fists in front of her face. This is the last few seconds in her life that she can say that she never been gunged for.
Cariad squeals nervously and with anticipation.
“1! Gunge time!”
The chair then gives way and Cariad rushes down the ramp with her arms out and she can clearly be heard screaming comically as she rushes towards the gloop with her hair flowing wildly. The chair then catapults at the end of the ramp and Cariad is airborne above the gunge for less than a second. Her bare feet land in the gunge first, followed by her skinny jean clad legs and then she goes straight under disappearing beneath the gunge causing an almighty splash which is surprising and unexpected for a lady with such a slim and diminutive frame. For about five whole seconds she in nowhere to be seen – then all of a sudden her head which has now been reduced to a unrecognizable dark blue blob and the only features recognizable on her face under the layer of gunge that dresses her is the bump of her cute little nose. Her hands then appear and her body pulls it self up. She’s covered! She’s a complete mess. Her jumper is so heavy and clings to her sexy body now that it filled with slime. She can’t wait till the cameras are off so that she can whip it off. She then opens her mouth in shock gasping for air and is disbelief of how cold the gunge it. “Oh my god! Its absolutely freezing” she can be heard gasping is disbelief. Her once previously wavey hair is now stuck to her and the ends swing in front of her gunge plastered face. She then slicks her hair back and then what must be buckets of red gunge descend from above and splash all over her lovely frame completing the dark blue already covering her as she places her arms atop of her head and screams. The camera then focuses on her face in which thick blobs of this now blue and red mixture of gunge drip from her nose and jaw line. She then slowly and gently wipes her eyes with her fingers leaving finger shaped marks of skin colour round her face. She is just above her waist in gunge and the goo filled jumper that hugs her so tightly shows off the curve of her modest and natural-sized breasts. All of a sudden another large amount of white gunge falls from the rafters and splashes all over her before she can place her hands over her head the gunk and she squeals again as it splashes ferociously all over her and goes everywhere and once again covers the top of her and drips down to her face and covers her. Now everything from the top of her head reaching down to that awesome little nose, her shoulders and her arms are coated with the thick white gunk. Cariad looks down at her hands and then looks up with baffled amusement on her face and laughs. She then wipes her eyes and slicks her hair tightly this time like a pony tail behind her desperately and hopelessly trying to squeeze the gunge out of her ruined hair.
“Well Cariad, you tried and you failed. You failed miserably. I won’t be going to the upstairs world with you after all, but how has your experience down the bunker been for you?”
“Oh my god. Yeah, It’s been great. I’ll never bother you again”
Cariad replies quite submissively and shyly before giggling again.
Cariad has managed to remove most of the gunge from her face, however there’s still a blob of slime on the end of her little nose and slimy hair rests tightly behind her head.
“Well I’m glad to hear that because my shower is broken and It’s really hard to get someone down her to fix it so you can sit in there until then.”
Cariad laughs in a very cute fashion. This was an odd experience for Cariad as though she will willingly make a fool of herself for her comedy – she has never quite experienced anything like this before. She found the experience fun and apart from her wet and sticky clinging jumper – she liked the way that the cold gunge felt on her elegant peach skin, as she always wondered what it would be like to be gunged like they did on Get Your Own Back, yet she did feel humiliated by it and she knows full well that this clip of her being dropped into gunge will be immortalized by the internet and all of her family and friends will be able to see this extravagant display of televised humiliation.
“Well Cariad you’ve been a great sport, but you just couldn’t convince me to give up my life in the bunker. Join us next week to see it I can be persuaded or will another celeb perish in the gunge? Until then bye.”
The camera then does an over head shot and we can see Jamie and Cariad who is now just is a dark blue and white blob wallowing in the gunge from a distance. Jamie waves at the audience and we are the treated to a slow motion replay of Cariad’s dunking and then the credits roll.