The segment opens with a swooping view from the ceiling, past the opening of the Mucky Dip, with its spirals of pink and purple, and down to Sian and the two guards, who are standing by the chair.
Sian: You’re watching Comeuppance with me, Sian Welby. If you haven’t voted yet, you’ve missed your chance, because voting is now closed. Don’t try to phone in; your vote won’t count and you may still be charged.
Sian strolls over to the cages with the guards in tow.
Sian: Hello again, Ladies! You all look worried, and so you should be. You especially, Lizzie.
Lizzie tries to look defiant, but can be seen to gulp.
Lizzie: W-why me?
Sian: Oh sorry, I said your name, but I was thinking of Victoria!
Victoria simply giggles nervously.
Sian: Though surely you should be the most worried, Meera.
Meera fidgets like a cat on an anthill.
Sian: [taps her earpiece] Ah-ha! We have the final result!
The dramatic ambient music plays and the lights dim except for a spotlight on each cage.
Sian: The people have spoken, and their verdict—
An annoying ringtone plays.
Sian: Oh, that’s mine. Excuse me a mo.
Sian pulls out her phone. The music cuts and the lights go up.
Sian: Hi Keith! How you doing? ‘Fraid I can’t chat now; I’m doing an episode of Comeuppance! Yeah, you got me at the really tense bit! Hope all goes well on Celebrity Juice, byyyyee! [Puts phone away] Sorry about that. My mate Keith Lemon there.
Sian looks around at the cages, where the contestants look ready to pass out from the suspense.
Sian: What’s up ladies? Waiting for something? Oh, of course!
The edgy music restarts and the lights go back down.
Sian: The people have spoken, and their verdict is as follows:
Relief radiates from Victoria and Lizzie, while Meera lets out a dread-laden cry. Her knees buckle and she sinks to the floor of her cage.
Sian: Oh yes! Meera knows what this means! Gents, take her away to face her comeuppance!
The burly guards swing open the door of Meera’s cage, yank her to her feet, and half march, half carry her to the waiting chair.
In a more genial manner, Sian unlocks the door to Victoria’s cage.
Sian: Victoria, I was looking forward to making a quip rhyming Vicky with sticky, but alas you and your suave black suit won’t be getting the slightest bit sticky, slimy or smelly. How does it feel to be as safe as houses?
Victoria: Sian, it feels absolutely wonderful!
Sian: I think for once no translation is needed! Well here’s something else that’s wonderful: a Jammy Dodger trophy to put in your estate agent’s window and let everyone know you got away with it! Thanks for being with us these past two episodes.
Victoria: Thanks Sian. By the way, if you ever plan to move to Guildford, do let me know.
Sian: You’ll help me find a property?
Victoria: No, I want to be the first to move out!
There is a sharp exclamation from the audience.
Sian: Ouch! You’re very lucky it’s too late for a re-vote. Ladies and gents, an insincere round of applause for Victoria please.
Victoria waves her trophy aloft as she exits the stage to a slow handclap. Sian goes over to Lizzie’s cage.
Sian: Fraid not Lizzie! You really should’ve read up on the rules, being a lawyer! As tonight’s runner-up, you are duly summonsed to face retrial next week, so you may get your comeuppance yet!
Lizzie rolls her eyes as Sian walks away and over to the white plinth.
Sian: Phew! What a tense and exciting episode! And it’s all been building up to this moment: Meera the dentist is in position and the Mucky Dip is open wide for her! [Looks up] Meera, how d’you like being the one in the chair for a change?
The foreboding music begins. The scene switches to a close up shot across the bumpy, glinting bands of pink and purple. The camera glides upwards. A good metre above the slop, Meera’s bare feet kick frantically. The camera continues up her legs, clad in sleek black trousers, and reaches the ends of her long white coat. Meera’s kicking causes the chair to swing back and forth slightly. Onwards the camera rises, up her turquoise-clad torso, coming to a stop at her face. Meera has her eyes closed and is flashing her own pearly whites in a tortured grimace.
The music fades out.
Sian: Oh wow, can we get a close-up on that face? This, ladies and gents, is the dentist who loves to terrify her patients, but look who’s terrified now! Say “ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!” Meera! Ha ha ha!
Sian puts her hand on the red button. A couple of bleats issue from Meera.
Sian: Meera, on behalf of everyone who has suffered in the dentist’s chair…
Sian and audience: HERE IS YOUR COMEUPPANCE!!!
Sian whacks the button, setting off triumphant showers of sparks across the studio. Meera’s grimace remains frozen as she plummets; only her hair moves as the air whooshes through it. She plops into the vat, splashing up a halo of pink and purple slop. A wave sloshes over the rim, lumps sliding down the walls of the vat.
The gunk further splashes and thrashes, accompanied by a sound effect like a primaeval belch. The jiggling cables then pull taut, and a gunky, humanoid blob emerges from the vat, greeted by rapturous cheering and the usual mocking fanfare. In some places, the colours remain well-separated – a grimy, murky purple, designed to evoke disgust; and a dazzling, garish pink, designed to attract ridicule. Elsewhere, the two have been churned together, forming new lurid combinations.
Meera’s formerly white coat has slipped off her shoulders, and dangles soggily from the chair. Though thick and sticky, the gunge is also extremely wet, and has plastered Meera’s shirt to her body. Despite the lumpiness, the shape of her delicate bust can be made out, glinting in the studio lights. Meera’s trousers are likewise soaked through, and her feet are encased in the goo.
Glistening and misshapen, Meera’s head twists and jerks about, spluttering, gagging for fresh air. It is only when her hands begin to peel away gunk-coated layers that it becomes evident her hair has whipped round and stuck to her face. Once her face is cleared, Meera’s mouth prizes itself open in a wide gasp. Globs of the muck dangle from her lips. The audience loves it. Meera lets out a strange cry – halfway between a scream of shock and groan of revulsion.
Sian: Oh my word!! That was amazing! She got our very special dental treatment there! Flossed… rinsed…
A huge load of creamy white gunk drops onto a squealing Meera, blanketing her.
Sian: …and crowned! That was a thoroughly deserved comeuppance and it would please us all greatly to see it again in super slow-mo.
The scene shifts to a slow-mo replay of the dentist dropping to her doom. Meera gurns to the max, and her legs deliver one final kick before she meets her fate.
Sian: And from above!
The replay from the bird’s eye camera shows the elegant bands of pink and purple contort and break up as Meera’s legs penetrate the muck. A huge wave rushes outwards as her bottom splashes down. After Meera’s torso and head have been consumed, her jet black hair remains momentarily draped over the surface, clinging on like an explorer sprawled out on quicksand. Then the waves of gunge rush back in and it’s all over.
Sian: And finally, the poolside view!
There follows a replay from the camera at the rim of the Mucky Dip. Meera’s wriggling feet and trouser-clad legs pierce into the goo. Her white coat briefly billows before too being sucked under. Meera’s grimacing face comes into view just before the shot turns pink.
Back in the present, the pink, purple and white gunks are making a marbled effect as Meera tries to wipe herself. She has cleared the worst from her face, but the stuff is so painty that her skin remains tinged. Her hair is still MIA under layers of sludge. Meera’s mouth is pursed in disgust, although she is partly playing up to the camera now. She sticks her tongue out and waves a hand in front of her nose.
Sian: Smells good, eh Meera? Tell you what, you can squelch your way back to your surgery like that; the patients will be even more petrified than usual!
Meera: [feigning a menacing glare] Sian, if you ever end up in my chair, you’ll learn the true meaning of pain!
Sian: Meera, if you were the last dentist on Earth, I’d take my chances with a pair of pliars! But seriously, you’ve been a great sport and a very fun contestant, so we appreciate you signing up for this.
Meera raises her hands in an expansive shrug, and grins with a self-deprecating nod. A batch of lemon-coloured slop drops from above, causing her to shriek and grimace again.
Sian: [facing forwards] That’s all the “mindless populism” we have time for tonight. Thanks for watching, and remember: if a profession cheeses you off, don’t get mad, get them mucky! Good night!
The funky outro music plays and Sian waves from the edge of the stage, as the camera zooms out and sweeps over the raucous audience. The camera shows Lizzie in her cage, trying to look contemptuous and dismissive of the messy spectacle she has witnessed, although a anxious hand through the hair betrays her true thoughts. The scene then goes back to Meera up in the chair, trying to reclaim her hair from the gunky morass. Her mouth still curls in disgust and she is hunched up, feeling the cold. She jerks and screams as a last-minute downpour of light blue catches her unaware. The closing scene of the programme is a slow-mo replay of her ascending from the Mucky dip, plastered in the purple and pink.