The segment opens with Sian standing by the chair in front of the Mucky Dip. She is flanked by a pair of burly men in guard uniforms, who previously wheeled in the contestant cages in the introductory segment.
Sian: Welcome back to Comeuppance, with me, Sian Welby! As of now polling is closed. Please don’t attempt to dial in, because your vote won’t count and you may still be charged.
Sian and the heavies stroll over to the space in front of the cages where the contestants are waiting to learn their fates.
Sian: I’ve just received the final count over my earpiece, and let me tell you, it’s a close one!
Dramatic ambient music begins to play. The studio darkens except for three stark spotlights focussed on the cages. The camera flits between the contestants’ faces: Yasmin’s gleaming smile has turned to a grimace; Tanya looks calm but slightly uneasy; Sandra has her eyes closed and appears to be praying into her headset.
Sian: Ah look at ’em! I’m so glad I accepted this show! [Grins and flexes her fingers] Ladies, the public have spoken, and their verdict is as follows:
The lights snap back on as the result flashes up on the screens. As the result sinks in, Tanya nods with approval, Yasmin whistles with relief, Sandra puts her hand to her forehead.
Sandra: [wailing] Nooo!! Recount! Recount!
Sian: The result is final, Sandra. Fellers, take her away to receive her comeuppance!
The guards unlock Sandra’s cage, drag her out and march her towards the chair.
Sandra: [frantic] I’ll give you free double glazing! Triple glazing!! Quadruple…
The heavies ignore Sandra’s pleas and plonk her in the chair. They remove her headset and shoes and begin strapping her in.
Sian: Tanya, it pains me to say this, but you are going back to Nottingham with your traffic warden’s uniform and yourself infuriatingly fresh, clean and dry. How do you feel?
Tanya: I feel damn good! [Places hat on head and gives a comical salute]
Sian: You also take home this Jammy Dodger trophy, so you can lord it over motorists when you’re slapping them with parking fines. Thanks for coming on the show. [Hands over trophy]
Sian: Er, yes. Why?
Tanya: It’s just that there’s a two hour parking limit on that street, and we’ve been here for at least three. Guess you’ll have a ticket by now. I should have mentioned it earlier, silly me.
Sian: [scowls] Just get out of here before I change my mind. Ladies and Gentleman, a grudging round of applause for Tanya please!
There is a slow handclap as Tanya strolls off stage.
Sian walks over to Yasmin’s cage.
Yasmin: I’m just so relieved Sian! Can’t wait to get back and–
Sian: Not so fast! You ain’t flying nowhere, girl. As runner-up, you’ll be back to take part in next week’s vote, so you may get your comeuppance yet!
Yasmin’s smile fades somewhat. Sian walks away leaving Yasmin in her cage. She steps up to a white plinth, which has a big red button set in the top.
Sian: Wow, what a fantastic first episode this has been! Now comes the moment you’ve all been waiting for: it’s time to christen the Mucky Dip! Sandra the annoying telesales operator has been hoisted into position and is all set for her comeuppance! [Looks upwards] Ring ring, calling Sandra! Ring ring! Ha ha! Sandra, why don’t you pick up?
The camera view shows a close-up across the surface of the gunge, the dark green and other muddy colours glistening in all their foul glory, the white cross marking the impact zone. The camera pans upwards. A metre above the rim of the vat, Sandra’s tight-clad feet dangle, the toes slightly curled. The camera continues upwards, taking in her slender legs, then her suit-clad torso with arms folded across it, and finally her exquisitely made-up face, sullen and pouting.
Sian: [tittering] Oh dear, she’s not happy is she? And for once she doesn’t have much to say!
Sian places her hand on the red button.
Sandra: No, no…
Sian: Sandra, on behalf of everyone who’s received an irritating, intrusive sales call at an unsociable hour, HERE IS YOUR COMEUPPANCE!!
Sian thumps the button. There is an explosion of sparks around the studio. Sandra is perhaps expecting to be lowered gently, but instead she plummets at free fall, instinctively screaming as she drops. She disappears into the vat. A wave of goo washes over the rim and runs down the outside as the audience cheers. The cables connected to the chair waggle slightly as a gurgling sound effect (or is it?) plays.
After a couple of seconds the cables jerk taut and Sandra is hauled back out into her original position, while a wah wah wah wahhhh!! sound effect plays. The transformation of the figure in the chair is incredible: in place of the immaculate suit-clad lady sits a gunky, dishevelled blob. Gunge flows out of Sandra’s skirt and strings of slime drip from her feet. Her skirt and jacket have gone from light grey to dingy green and brown, and are weighed down on her figure. Her blouse is saturated inside and out, clinging wetly to her and revealing the shape of her bust.
As for Sandra’s hair, it is buried under a layer of the gunk, with her ponytail draped on her shoulder like a sodden piece of rope. Sandra’s face is also covered, with a piece of white from the cross making a comical stripe across it. Her eyelids are closed.
All the time the crowd are going crazy.
Sandra turns her head to the side and tilts her neck slightly back. Her lips pout and eject an arc of slime, which she swallowed on the way down. She raises her arms in front of her. They spasm a couple of times before finding and wiping her eyes. As Sandra stares at the mirthful spectators, her mouth opens and she utters her first words, but they are overdubbed with the sound of a cow mooing (the show is broadcast with a 15 second delay in order to remove rude words).
Just as Sandra is beginning to recompose herself, a stream of yellow slime, lumpier than that in the vat, descends and bounces off her shoulder, causing her to scream. A second stream, light blue and of similar consistency, comes down directly onto the crown of her head, doming out in all directions.
Sian: Oh wow!! Oh! My! Goodness! What a debut for the Mucky Dip! Talk about double glazing; she got a glazing of her very own there! I think we ought to see that again in super slow-mo.
The scene switches to an action replay, showing Sandra’s eyes boggle as she screams her way towards the vat.
The scene then switches to an overhead camera. It shows the white cross distort and break up as Sandra’s legs plunge into the gunge. Then her seated bottom hits and huge waves of goo wash over the rim. The gunge closes in over the top of Sandra’s head.
Sian: And finally the poolside view!
There follows a replay from the camera mounted at the rim, showing Sandra’s legs penetrate into the gunge as she falls. Her torso follows, and there is a quick glimpse of her horrified face before gunge washes over the camera lens and everything goes dark.
The scene switches back to the present. Sandra has wiped her face, which bears a disgusted expression, and is attempting, with little success, to comb the muck out her hair with her fingers. She sits with her posture stiff and taut, squirming at the cold, smelly gunk squelching around inside her suit.
Sian: Ring ring, calling Sandra! Good thing you sell products over the phone, girl, because you won’t get any face-to-face sales when you look and smell like that! Ewwww, yuck! Ha ha ha!!
Sandra points a gungy figure at Sian, a small grudging smile now on her face.
Sandra: You, Welby, are never getting discounted double glazing from me!
Sian: I’ll live. Seriously though Sandra, you’ve been a good sport and you certainly entertained us tonight, so thanks for coming on the show.
Sandra nods in acknowledgement and her smile widens a little, soon to dissipate as a torrent of pink gunge drops from the heavens and domes over her head. The mooing cow noise sounds again.
Sian: And the muck keeps coming! Thanks for watching folks, and remember, this is your show and we value your suggestions. If there’s a profession that really gets on your wick, let us know, and they could be getting a comeuppance like Sandra’s! Good night!
Credits roll across the screen. Sian goes to the edge of the stage and waves. The camera sweeps out across the audience. The shot cuts to Yasmin, wearing a worried expression as she looks up through the bars of her cage. The scene then returns to Sandra, suspended in her chair, sweeping gunge off of her legs. Just before the scene cuts, a stream of orange gunge rains down on her, causing her to curse in frustration. The final clip is another slow-mo reply, this time of a gunk-coated Sandra being hauled out of the Mucky Dip. The credits end and the Comeuppance logo fills the screen.