Comeuppance – Episode 1 update

The segment opens with a wide-angle camera sweeping across the audience towards the stage, where the three contestants are still lined up inside their cages. Sian Welby stands in front of the Mucky Dip. The seat that previously dangled above the cylindrical vat is now suspended at ground level beside her.

Sian Welby

Sian: Welcome back to this the first episode of Comeuppance, the show where justice is swift and slimy! We have budget airline check-in clerk Yasmin, traffic warden Tanya, and telesales operator Sandra facing judgement for their misdeeds.

The camera cycles through the faces of the contestants as Sian lists them.

Sian: And the response has been phenomenal. Votes are flooding in, with our telephone switchboard and internet servers both working at full capacity. It’s great also to see the hashtag #comeuppance trending on Twitter, and there’s been a lot of speculation as to what exactly is in the Mucky Dip. I’m sure its something our contestants are anxious to know too, so without further ado let’s preview the goo!

A ceiling-mounted camera slowly zooms downward onto the Mucky Dip, rotating as it goes. The dry ice fog has lessened, providing a view of the vat’s contents. The predominant colour is green – a dark, murky green with patches of brown and dark yellow. A cross is boldly marked in white goo on top.

The view then switches to a camera mounted at the rim of the vat, giving a close-up out across the gunge. The surface is static and uneven, indicating a thick consistency, but also has a wet shininess to it.

The camera returns to the faces of the contestants as they watch on a screen. There is a general look of “what have we let ourselves in for?”

Sian: X marks the spot! Yes folks, one of our contestants will be plunged into that and then hauled back out for the nation’s viewing satisfaction! [rubs hands together] And let me tell you, vile as that may look, what our cameras don’t pick up is the stench of rotting cabbages and overripe cheese! Ewwww!! [shudders]

The audience laughs enthusiastically.

Sian: But only the most reviled bum will sit in this chair tonight, as chosen by you the public.

The chair consists of a seat and back made of wire-mesh metal, and a couple of safety straps. It is designed not for comfort but to minimise protection from the gunk.

Sian: [Walking across the stage towards the three cages] Meanwhile, the contestant with the fewest votes will walk away, clean, dry and smug, carrying a Jammy Dodger trophy. The second-place contestant will remain in purgatory to face judgement again in next week’s episode. [Stops in front of the cages] And now it’s time to reveal the midway voting results! They are as follows:


Tanya pumps her fists and hisses “yes!”, Yasmin puts a hand to her forehead and laughs nervously, Sandra’s jaw drops open and she puts her hands to her temples.

Sian: Sandra just edging it there, but let me stress that while Tanya has put some distance between herself and the Mucky Dip, the fight between Yasmin and Sandra is very close.

Sian turns towards the cages.

Sian: Ladies, we heard your excuses earlier, but now is your opportunity to appeal to the public directly. Each of you has fifteen seconds to look into the camera and tell the viewers why you don’t deserve a comeuppance. Tanya, you first.

Tanya: [looking relaxed] Thanks guys, keep voting exactly as you have been. I don’t deserve to go in the Mucky Dip; without me our streets would grind to a standstill. It may be annoying to get a parking fine, but the rules are there for a rea–

A klaxon blares. There is a smattering of boos from the audience.

Sian: Well I’m not sure if you entirely convinced our audience, Tanya, but you seem to have the wider public’s sympathy. Now Yasmin, it’s your turn, and remember you’re only a whisker away from a comeuppance.

Yasmin: [flashes her industry-standard smile but looks slightly flustered] I don’t deserve such a horrid fate. Not me, provider of cheap getaways in the sun! True, if you don’t follow the T&Cs you may have to pay a bit more at the airport, but remember you paid bugger-all for your ticket in the fir–

The klaxon blares. There is a moderate level of booing from the audience.

Sian: And finally you Sandra. As things stand you’re getting it, so you better make this count.

Sandra: Sandra[looking distraught] Please, please don’t do this to me! I’ll give you whatever you want. 25% off double glazing – 50%! I’ll even extend the warranty to ten years! Don’t want double glazing? How about loft insulation, solar panels!? Just name your product! How about I call you back and we can discuss…

The klaxon blares. Sandra attempts to keep talking until Sian’s remonstrations and the audience’s booing shut her up.

Sian: Hmmm, bribery’s an interesting tactic; we shall see how well it works. There’s plenty of time left for voting, and anything could happen. Folks, it’s down to you: three wrongdoers, one comeuppance, your decision!

Keep the votes coming! Remember, if you’ve already voted, you can keep voting again every 12 hours.

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About TG

Hunter of WAM media, author of WAM fiction, founder and administrator of the independent and community-led blog
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8 Responses to Comeuppance – Episode 1 update

  1. terroristpie says:

    While I have no doubt this will be a fine series, I have one gripe, how do the ‘victims’ end up on the show? Do they volenteer? And if so why? What’s in it for them?


    • Henry Lee says:

      Presumably the same thing that motivated the real life participants in the NHP votes.


    • TG says:

      Good question.

      All of the contestants appearing in the show volunteered and did so knowing what it entailed (even if they didn’t realise quite how severe the gunging would be).

      There are no prizes in the show other than the worthless trophy, and no compensation for appearing other than travel (and cleaning!) expenses, so that rules out material motives.

      The exact reasons for going on the show will differ from character to character, but here are some possibilities I can think of:

      – They want to be on TV.

      – They were talked into going on by friends and family.

      – They are good sports and willing to have a laugh at their own expense.

      – They want to let their hair down and do something crazy.

      – They want to stand up for their profession and set the record straight.

      – They get a lot of stick for their profession and therefore feel the need to show humility.

      – They harbour a secret desire to get messy…


  2. Henry Lee says:

    Love this as an idea for a series. I’ve always thought it was a shame that the NHP votes, particularly the “professions disliked by the population” type, didn’t feature more women. Admittedly, we say that about every show that featured gunge, but the non-celebrity votes had a dynamic that not many of the other 90s shows had.

    Anyway, I’ve cast my vote and look forward to the full story. I do wonder if the choices of stock photo might be influencing voting more than the professions however.


    • TG says:

      Yes, I think that a lot of people are voting based on the model they find the most attractive. I think that’s unavoidable to some extent, but if I can get more people to vote based on professions and personalities then I’ll count that as a writing triumph.


      • terroristpie says:

        Luckly this time the one I found most attractive was also the one I would want to vote for if I wasn’t a wammer. If I’m not so lucky in future episoes I’ll try to stick to the spirt of the show and vote based on profession, not on looks.


  3. terroristpie says:

    Making the dunking chair out of wire mesh was a clever idea


  4. TG says:

    Happy new year folks! It’s the last day of voting!


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