Although this story mentions real persons, corporations, TV shows and places, it is purely a work of fiction for personal enjoyment. The story does NOT describe real events and should NOT be taken to accurately portray any real entity mentioned. In keeping with its fictional nature, the events and activities described in the story may not be legal, ethical or safe. This site does NOT endorse or recommend their enactment.
So, it’s been a while. I just took an impromptu break from writing due to a busy life. Not a bad thing for readers either. NGYOB WILL be back, and with some victims that some of you sent into me a while back. But I can’t say when that is yet – it won’t be immediatley in the New Year.
However, because it’s been a while, I figured I’d give you all a Christmas treat from Dave. And this really is a Christmas treat. I don’t believe I’ve seen this been done yet, so allow Dave to serve out some much owed Justice…
Now this is a quick story, nothing amazing, but a bit of festive fun – enjoy!
Christmas Day 2003.
Get Your Own Back never ended.
But despite this, the host was about to leave…
“So, your last show huh? Must be so…emotional.”
“Well yeah. A little bit, but not that much I have to admit. Been with it a while now.”
“I hear the bosses put it up for another series next year?”
“Yeah, didn’t fancy returning though. It’s time to move on.”
The makeup girl smiled into the mirror at the well known Get Your Own Back host.
“Well you will be dearly missed, by everyone. The kids, the crew -“
The door opened.
“And none more than by me!”
Dave Benson Phillips was wearing a slightly sympathetic grin today, standing in the doorway to the room, hands on his sides.
“Will be a shame to continue without you, Lisa.”
Lisa Brockwell lowered the magazine she had been flicking through, and looked at herself in the mirror. She always had had an athletic body, and today was no different. She was wearing one of her many casual tops, and a simple pair of black tracking bottoms, that went nicely with her white trainers. Her hair was a slightly mousy brown colour, with a few highlights of a lighter shade, and was in a bushy looking ponytail, which she could have at her side. In short, she was looking as normal for the day – she hadn’t bothered with anything christmassy, but she would wear a santa hat along with Dave for the intro of the show.
The series was going to be changing after today, where they were filming a special episode. She had decided to move on to other projects, and the producers decided that once she was gone, they would give the show a makeover. It had been in it’s current warehouse and two ramp Gunk Dunk phase now for 3 years. She had agreed to host one last show along with Dave, to see the year out. It was going to be a good one, after the success of Dick and Dom on the final episode earlier in the year, the producers had got in JK and Joel, up and coming stars on CBBC. It would be a laugh.
“I’m sure you will do well with it though, you managed without me for nearly a decade.”
“Still will be sad all the same, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the fun today though, and that last Gunk Dunk will be special to watch eh?”
Lisa smiled and nodded.
“..Yeap! Will be sad!”
Dave chuckled and left, and Lisa turned back to looking at herself in the mirror. It certainly wouldn’t be sad for her. Lisa in fact hated mess of any sort, but of course a few years back when she took on the job, she knew that it would help further her broadcasting career. Plus, some could have argued that the show was out of it’s glory days of specials, the Dick and Dom show was only to be a final send off, but the producers decided to keep the show on in the end. Lisa though breathed a sigh of relief; she’d always hated the look of the Gunk Dunk, and today would be the last time she saw it.
Dave closed the door and walked down the corridor. In front of him the new secretary, on placement, came bustling over.
“Mr Phillips, it’s all ready. The crew are all aware, mums the word and all.”
“Fantastic, I’ll follow you.”
They walked for a few minutes, down some corridors, through a couple of offices, and finally into a studio, a big wall set up around it. They walked across the yellow and blue themed studio, and through the big oak looking doors, crew members checking the mist machines. They walked through the studio doors and into the Gunk Dunk studio. Dave stopped and smiled, folding his arms.
“It feels good to be back to the single ramp days. And you’re sure no one’s dropped any hints.”
The young woman beside him smiled, holding her clipboard without taking her eyes off of the set in front of them, which had been completed the day before, and filled up with some festive gunge earlier in the day.
“Nope. She’s going to get a great present, and a great send off.”
Dave smiled. He wasn’t letting Lisa leave clean.
“Actually, I hope it’s a ‘nasty’ one.”
Dave continued to grin, and then looked at her again, and jumped a little at her shocked expression.
“…In-in the best possible way of course.”
The audience cheered like mental as the studio came to life. The lights were all on, some of them slowly flashing. The large projection of the GYOB logo onto the floor was also twirling and there was a big sense of excitement. Around the studio were some extra decorations; around the pillars were some tinsel, baubles and christmas stars hung from the top tier railings, and some around the big oak doors too. Even the mist and some fake snow as the doors opened, and the two hosts came bouncing out, waving at everyone. The GYOB theme had gotten a festive makeover too, with a few percussion instruments stuck into the music. Dave and Lisa waited for the cheering to die down and then spoke.
“Ho Ho Ho, I’m Dave Benson Phillips…”
“And I’m Lisa Brockwell!”
“Merry Christmas and a warm welcome to a very special edition of the gungiest game show, on your television!”
“Oh yes, serving up a gross gift for some adults out there!”
Lisa said this whilst rubbing her hands together and acting a little as though she was a witch. As Dave began to talk she went back to her normal smiling self, but frowned slightly. The autocue that Dave was reading from was strange…
“Now it would be at this point where I would be introducing today’s teams, and the two celebrities we would have on. BUT, that’s actually not going to be the plan.”
The audience muttered a tiny bit, and Lisa looked at Dave, frowning, but a pit forming in her stomach.
“BECAUSE first I have a christmas give for Lisa, so hang on a mo…”
Dave ran to the crew member out of shot, and jogged back.
“Oh man…phew…whew…need to hold off on the mince pies!”
He handed the box to Lisa and smiled.
“Merry Christmas! Thought it’d get it out the way quick!”
She stood there for a moment holding the box and then smiled in surprise at the audience and the cameras. She was suddenly feeling better. She figured it would be a special GYOB gift, bit like the goody bags the kids got. She’d seen other shows do things like this early on…
“Oh…Well, thanks Dave! Thank you!”
She took off the lid of the box and looked down into it, and stared, the smile still on her face, but unsure.
“JK and Joel are not going to be with us here today, and there is no teams or kids either. In fact this is a shorter episode than usual. Why? BECAUSE…”
Dave lifted out what was in the box; a diamond shaped name tag that read ‘Lisa’ and a blue GYOB top.
“I want to Get my own back on YOU Lisa. A: for leaving, and B: because you have never ever gotten messy. I think it’s right about time you received the mandatory GYOB host gunging!”
Lisa put her hands on her cheeks and began to shake her head, her smile gone. She knew Dave might try something, a small pie or something like that, but not have her be the victim today. The crew were all smiling, and the audience had suddenly gone mental. Dave had planned this, all of the crew had. Even the makeup girl.
“Dave hang on…hang on…”
The audience quietened, most of them suspecting it was all part of the show.
“Dave I can’t – I won’t – I’m not doing this, I’m not getting gunged.”
Dave shrugged and smiled. Lisa and him were good friends, and he knew she wouldn’t be fully happy with this. But she also didn’t hold grudges, and he knew EXACTLY how to get her to change and take part.
“If anyone here, thinks that Miss Lisa Brockwell deserves a dunk in the gunk, please cheer!”
All at once the audience, completely surrounding her and Dave erupted again. And a chant suddenly began, saying, “Gunge her!”, over and over. She went red and covered her mouth, not out of embarrassment as such, but at the feeling over being overwhelmed by a load of kids, and not wanting to let them all down. She kept her praying expression as she saw two crew members come over toward her and Dave boomed.
“Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…It’s time for you to go and get changed into your new clothes.”
The crew members both took an arm gently each from her, and put them behind her back, almost like a prisoner. Her face had melted into one of utter dismay and embarrassment.
“Because for Christmas I’m sending you, TO THE GUNK DUNK! HAHAHA!”
Dave held up his arms gladly as the doors behind opened. Lisa shut her eyes and almost groaned out in frustration as she was walked away, into the mist of the doors, toward her fate, the audience laughing and happily shouting at the treat they were going to watch. The doors finally closed and Dave spoke to the camera.
“For 3 years Lisa has been a huge help, and a good friend. But I have admittedly, never gotten my own back before on this show. But with finally having a co-host, and one who is now leaving, I’m going to get that chance. So follow me to the brand new Gunk Dunk studio for 2004, as Lisa gives it it’s test run!”
He turned and bounced through the doors into the mist.
The camera came back on and was focused on a pair of relaxed looking feet, toes sticking out over the surface of the gunge below. Lisa hadn’t got any fancy painted nails or anything, they were just a pair of normal looking feet, both pointing slightly away from each other, as the camera zoomed out a little bit and up. It captured her strong looking legs, hunched over the seat with her knee caps level with her feet below more or less. As it pulled away, it showed her skimpy looking black shorts and her tight fitted blue t-shirt that Dave had gifted to her.
She was sat on a seat which was smaller than the previous series, and really added to the effect of it being uncomfortable for the adults. It was a single ramp set up, much like the 2000 version of the show, before she was host, with three notches going high up behind her. She meanwhile was sat right at the bottom, right above the circular pit which was kept on from last series. The gunge in the tank however was very different from the watery slime they had had. The gunge was especially christmassy; most of it was a dark brown, but in the middle was a large, carefully painted patch of white, with a leaf shaped patch of green and red, like holly. And in the far right hand corner, to her left, was another patch of green, a christmas tree shape with a quick string of white coming from it. It was a label, and upon the label in black lettering was a special message to the lady about to receive the festive gift:
SMELL YA LATER!
Lisa went a little more red as it sunk in; it was a christmas pudding; brown for the cake, white for the icing. The audience were cheering madly, and Dave walked up, christmas hat and all, to a small podium at her side. Grinning like a cheshire cat, he just stood and watched for a few moments as the kids kept cheering and chanting, enjoying the view in front of them. Lisa had time to look at her view again too, because although it looked pretty for once, the actual substances weren’t, and it certainly didn’t smell like a christmas pud. The brown was thick, looking very gooey and sticky, whereas the white was more slimy in nature. And the smell was horrible too, and Lisa was reminded of rotten sprouts or something; she highly suspected that this was on purpose to fit the festive theme.
“Alright, alright everyone. Welcome to the new look Gunk Dunk, a classic look for the New Year. But as they say, out with old and in with the new. Or perhaps that should be, down with the old and into the new, eh Lis’?
Lisa sat, hunched a little forward, harms folded across her knees. Her face was very threatening, her lips twisted and her whole expression saying ‘You’re dead’. But despite this, the faintest of smiles was on her face.
“So it’s all very simple. I will ask Lisa three questions and if she gets one wrong, she goes up a notch. And we all know what would happen then, don’t we Lisa.”
She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly.
“I go in from a great height. As soon as I get to the top…I go…I go down into the slop.”
She broke into a nervous smile as she continued on her seat to co-present. She hid her face in her hands as Dave chuckled.
“That is correct! Now we have a theme with the questions too, to fit the special season.”
“Of course you do Dave.”
She uncovered her face and looked at him, a fed up smile now sitting on her face, propping up her cheek with her right hand. She couldn’t believe he’d managed this.
“A bit like the ghosts of past, present and future, I will ask you three questions of GYOB past, GYOB present, and GYOB future, with me so far?”
She nodded and closed her eyes, having heard how the round works, hundreds of times.
“Good! OK then, let’s get this show on the road, and her into the pudding! Ha-Hey! OK, the question of GYOB past Lisa, ready?”
“I was gunged on this show a few times. But one time I was gunged by two people I’d gunged before, who where they?”
Lisa kept her position and thought for a moment, looking up at the lights and back to Dave. Her expression of being fed up not changing, she answered.
“Mr Blobby and Kirsten O’brien.”
“…Is correct. Alright, you stay where you are.”
The audience booed at this, and Lisa smiled, eyes narrowing a little. She felt wicked almost, everyone against her and she was winning.
“Fine then. You know your past. Question of GYOB present – it’s about a game you should know this – how many colours are needed to be mixed up in the ga -“
Lisa sighed again and leaned back a little, stretching slightly. She was getting cocky, as Dave threw his arms down and looked all around, looking sad.
“She got it right again everyone.”
Once more they booed and groaned as Lisa and smiled and nodded. She was fast slipping into the stereotype of the nasty grown up as Dave was becoming the increasingly disappointed child.
“Alright. You won’t know this one. Question of GYOB future.”
Lisa raised her eyebrows, knowing she may have to go up one notch in a minute if it was about the still to come new series.
“How many notches are you going up today?”
Lisa was stuck for a moment. It was either 1 or 0, obviously. She’d probably go up one notch because of this, but didn’t mind as she would be able to easily stand up half fall in the tank. She wasn’t going to get that messy at all, just her legs and a small spattering perhaps. However before she could do anything Dave threw his cards away.
“The answer is all three!”
Lisa’s eyes widened suddenly, as some of the audience laughed, clocking on a lot earlier than most. A moment later and Lisa’s chair whirred to life.
“YOU, MADAM, are going right to the very top, ohhh yes!”
The whole audience exploded with laughter and cheering as Dave waved to Lisa, being carried off further up the ramp. She was now totally different from a moment ago, her calm nature gone. She was shuffling her feet and legs about and taking looks behind her, realising that she really was going right for the top of the ramp. When it came to a stop, the sirens rang out and the studio flashed. Lisa spun back around, leaning forward just to somehow try and tell herself she hadn’t moved. But she had.
“Oh Lisa m’dear, you are at the very top up there. Oh yes.”
“THAT’S NOT FAIR!”
“It’s not fair, I was doing well and -“
Dave shrugged at her.
“It’s my show, and only my show now! Haha!”
Lisa opened her mouth to argue, then looked behind her, then in front of her and growled, sinking her face into her hands, and almost stomping her barefoot on the foot rest as Dave spoke.
“Well now. This is a treat. For 3 long years she has escaped the cold arm of the gunge, but no longer. This woman up here, Miss Lisa Brockwell. She has been such a dear friend to me, and helped me an awful lot, but she has also been a little mean and cocky too, sometimes being bossy even -“
“None of this is true.”
Lisa looked up, arms folded now and hunched forward looking down at Dave, in the corner of her mouth, a smile had formed, but mostly out of disbelief.
“I’ve been above the gunge, and have been dunked before. And she always used to tell me it would never happen and that she would never be messy, but here we are! Perched at the top of the ramp of shame! Well Lisa…”
He put his hand on the lever to his side, and fully turned to look up at his young co-host, and put his hand on his heart.
“I truly to wish you the best love. A very Merry Christmas to you Lisa and enjoy the pudding. I hope you go onto so many wonderful things. Oh and Lisa?”
She looked down at Dave, placing her hand on her knees.
“Thank you for volunteering to test out the new Gunk Dunk! TIME TO GET MY OWN BACK!”
Lisa began to groan out a small cry, as he yanked back the lever and the sparks shot out all around. Her chair started off, and her yell became more audible, as she rolled down the new ramp toward the puddng themed gunge in front of her. As she got closer and closer, she became well aware of the whole situation, her skimpy GYOB clothes, the nastiness and annoyingly pretty gunk below, and the smell of sprouts and cabbage coming to her nostrils. All of this, plus spotting the start of a shower of custard yellow from above caused her to yell out louder this time, a big audible, “NO!’ which continued as she hit the end o the ramp. A moment before it sprang, the yellow above collided with her, going all over her hair, down her top, over her arms and even some onto the top of her legs. It was freezing, and it caused her to go a little more high pitched as she was thrusted forward.It continued to spray, and she felt her cheeks sting hot for a moment; some of the yellow goo from above must have hit her square on her now upward sticking bum. She cringed at this, closing her mouth and eyes as her face pressed down into the gooey, mushy brown of the gunge, her arms an hands comically spread out as though to stop her fall. The back of her head, her back and bum continued down but for a moment stopped, as Lisa was just about visible on the surface for a second, before her upper thighs sank, followed by her behind, her back and then finally with one last slurp, her head was swallowed be the brown and white muck.
“FANTASTIC! Oh yes, I’ve been waiting so long to pull one of these levers, oh man!”
As the yellow dwindled slowly, the gunge churned. The brown and white was a mix in the middle, a funny shape, showing where Lisa had sank. And a moment later she rose, shooting up really fast and coughing a couple of times,before opening her mouth wide for a weak, gut reaction of a shriek. She hadn’t even bothered to wipe her eyes or her face, simply a brown and white blob of a figure stood there, screeching. She stumbled slightly on the spot, still gasping out her frustration as Dave laughed and came round the side to the front of the tank.
“Oh my, oh my. That is totally, disgusting, look at that, she looks horrible – OHH!”
A wet looking stream of green had splattered over Lisa, who had just put her hands to her face, but now kept it covered, as the shower from above slathered her in fresh goo. She slipped backward, uncovering a hand from her face to break the fall, and slipped to her nose in the pool, her leg flailing up from the gunge and sticking up in the air. It was a funny sight, the top of her green head poking out from the brown, a gooey hand covering one half, and in front, a very slimy looking leg poking out for a moment. She finally found with her hand the floor, and her leg disappeared one more into the mire as she sat up.
“That is horrible it really is. I think though that is just desserts, served, just right! Mhm, mm. I can see why kids like it.”
He turned to face is exiting co-presenter as she finally began to wipe her face. To her annoyance, it just kept getting spattered from a weak shower of blue, and her hands that still had plent of muck on. The brown was like a sticky gooey brownie, and Dave knew this as he picked up a bucket to the side of the tank. He scooped some goo up, some of the thick brown, and the slimy mix from gunge falling above.
“I think…here we go…I think a cheer is in order everyone. For being such a good presenter and friend to me, and a good sport today, HIP HIP!”
The audience responded with a hooray, as Dave chucked the contents of the bucket at the recovering Lisa, causing her to sputter and open her mouth wide in shock. She hadn’t been paying attention to what he’d been saying.
Once more Lisa got a bucket full to the face, and this time spat out gunge as she waded forward, outstretching her arms. She was sure as hell going to try and drag him in.
He threw the contents at her once more which made her stop and spit out more goo. A fresh coating of yellow on her face, she growled, half smiling at Dave as she lunged forward. He was quick to act though, as he moved back from the tank.
“Woops! Got to be careful.”
Lisa propped up on the edge of the tank, smiling fully now as she laughed at herself and her failure to grab Dave to drag him in.
It quickly turned to momentary horror as Dave put the bucket on Lisa’s head. As she stumbled slightly in the gunge behind him, the squelching of it being heard clearly, he walked forward and looked into the camera.
“I wish Lisa the very best, and for 2003 here on Get Your Own Back, that’s it! From all of us here, and from a pretty smelly Lisa back there, have a merry christmas and a happy new year!”
The camera pulled away from him as he held his arms up, looking up and cheering. The kids all ran into the shot too, with everyone waving at the camera, capturing the festivities as fake snow fell all around the studio. In the back of the show, Lisa pulled the bucket off of her head and threw it to her side, giving up and waving to the camera too, barely and gunge wiped from her face, looking pretty brown, white and yellow. A few globs were rolling down her cheek and there was a small drip from her nose, and her hair was completely ruined, claggy and horrible. Below the gunge, she could feel the horrible mess getting everywhere, as she was sprinkled like everyone else with fake snow.
Dave sauntered up to the edge of the tank as the camera’s were cut and smiled at her.
“I’ll miss you Lis.”
She sat in the tank, having wiped her face a bit now.
“I’ll stay in touch, and good luck with 2004.”
Dave nodded and gave a thumbs up, then walked away. Lisa nodded and smiled a little, thinking back to the past couple of years on the show. All of a sudden a white stream of goo splattered across her, dripping down her face and causing her to shriek in surprise. She stumbled again to try and get up, and out of the stream. Dave laughed, flicking the button to stay down.
“Forgot to ice the cake, wa-hey!”
And with that Dave Benson Phillips was gone as Lisa sighed in annoyance. Too tired to move anymore, allowing being iced from above, she was turned into a living white statue.
Well I hope you enjoyed it! Just a quick random story, where I wanted to tackle the one that always, and forever got away.
See you in 2016 folks, with series 4 of NGYOB at some point in the first couple of months!