Suzi’s Job Offer

The first episode of The Pairing Game was wrapped up, Suzi was finally clean and changed into a more presentable outfit and ready to head for the Jester’s Arms. However, a man in a pristine black suit was stood in her path. The man in the suit was carrying a portfolio under his left arm. His face was mostly obscured by the large black sunglasses he was wearing, but he had a large pointed chin. “Can I help you?” Suzi asked him, slightly unnerved by the man. What was he exactly? Some sort of government official?

“Suzanna Mia Harrison, correct?”


He passed her the folder. It was blue, stuffed with sheets of A4. “Have a read of this. You’ll know what to do after that.”

Suzi took the folder and opened it. The first page had “THE SPLOSH PIT: A ‘The Stone TV’ Project” in large, bold letters on it. The Stone was a rock radio station based in Mudford. Suzi had long dreamed of hosting a show on it, but she wasn’t aware they had a TV channel too. The Stone was incredibly popular in Mudford and the surrounding area, and was bar none the best source of coverage for The Nebular Festival (a metal festival second only in the UK to Bloodstock, based on Gorman Farm on the outskirts of town). In previous years, it wasn’t unheard of for to crash due to the influx of out-of-towners (particularly the ones who couldn’t get to Gorman Farm) trying to get on to watch and listen to highlights of the event. The Stone was also a great champion of local bands – The Kayotics made fantastic use of the station to further their career, for instance.

The next page provided a basic overview of the show. It read a bit like a rehash of the late Saturday morning pop music shows of yesteryear such as CD:UK and Electric Circus. However, this wasn’t going for the kids/teen demographic so much as late teens, young adults and students – particularly ones nostalgic for Saturday morning telly, and especially ones into music just outside the usual top 40 rubbish. When she read about two particular features, Suzi raised an eyebrow.

The name The Splosh Pit refers not only to the show, but also to the great vat of gunge at the centre of the studio. Each week, two bands would be booked to perform last on the show. As there is only one stage, only one can play. Which one is allowed to play is determined democratically – the audience vote via phone and social media for who they want to see perform. Whoever loses has to send one of their members into the Splosh Pit.

There is also a currently unnamed game which features a single band. This band would be different to the two in the Splosh Pit Poll. Each member draws a straw, and the one who draws the one with a black tip has to go in a gunge tank. They then have to answer five questions, the answer to each one of which is a number. If they guess correctly, they score zero points. If they are wrong, they get one point for each integer they are out by. For example, if asked the year in which the Battle of Hastings took place, an answer of 1066 would score nothing, 1166 would score one hundred, and 1050 would score sixteen. If they score 500 points, they get gunged. If they answer all five and accumulate 499 points or fewer, they leave the tank and appoint one of their bandmates to get gunged in their place.

She then looked at some drawings of the studio – a map layout and some artists’ renditions of the final studio. As noted, there was a large circular pit in the middle, apparently ten metres across and a metre and a half deep. It had what looked like a diving board positioned over it, but apparently it was the dunk tank seat. To the sides of the dunk tank seat were curved sofas – no doubt for pre-gunging interviews. Across from the seat was the performance stage – fairly wide, and with a curve at the front allowing performers to look straight down at the gunge pit. There were also video screens and various seats and tables scattered around the studio. Aside from the stage, the actual Splosh Pit and the gunge tank, Suzi was quite taken by what appeared to be a bar.

After all the pretty diagrams and artwork, Suzi took a look at the guest list for the first episode.
Splosh Pit Poll Guests: St. Vincent, Warpaint
Gunge Tank Game Guests: Triaxis
Other guests: Fightstar, Mastodon, Catfish and the Bottlemen, Slaves

“This is some impressive stuff,” Suzi smiled as she skim-read the dossier. “You know, I’m game,” she said, getting to the contract. “Just, don’t take this personally but I’d like to have my attorney take a look at this.”

“That is fine,” the main said. “I look forward to working with you, Ms. Harrison.” The two shook hands and made their separate ways. Suzi giggled to herself ecstatically. Soon, she would be known forever as the Queen of Gunge!

Keep reading for details about an original character competition!


I’m zippin’ up my boots, goin’ back to my roots yeah yeah!

In all seriousness though, I’ve missed Slop Drop. More specifically, I’ve missed writing about some of the celebs nobody else would touch with a bargepole (even if the main reason is because they don’t know where they’re prodding). What I haven’t missed is my need to one-up myself with the gungings each time – something I’ve never really felt I’ve accomplished anyway since the Rotor Room is still my favourite creation from that series. I mean, there are loads of great stories out there that are about little more than a girl and a gunge tank, so anything much more elaborate isn’t really necessary.

While the first few stories will use real celebrities, I’ll be doing an all-original characters edition. This is where you, the TellyGunge audience, come in again. I’m going to run a character creation competition. The Kayotics will be in the all-OC edition, and one of them will be up for the Splosh Pit Poll. I’ve not decided which (currently thinking Yumiko, but not settled on it yet), but they need an opponent. So, look me up on ECG or UMD (my username is VanillaXSlime on both) and PM me, or email me at vanillaxslime[AT]yahoo[DOT]co[DOT]uk with your entrant – don’t post them as a comment, since I don’t want personalities affecting the poll. It also avoids spoilers. Title your email/PM with “Splosh Pit Contest Entry”.

Here’s the template for entrants. Pretty simple, really. There’s no need to be too in-depth with this, since I’ll approach the winners for any extra information I think I’ll need anyway.
Name: Self-explanatory. If they have a stage name, list that too.
Age: Self-explanatory.
Appearance: What they look like. Since this is fetish stuff, feel free to mention whatever you’d like.
Personality: What kind of a person they are.
Attitude towards gunge: What do they think of the idea of getting messy, and how would they react if they were to get gunged?
Role in the band: What instruments they play, whether or not they sing, and whether they do lead or backing vocals.
Band name: Self-explanatory. Make it good!
Genre: What kind of music the band play.
Bandmates: Just names and roles are necessary for this.

Here’s how Yumiko’s would read if someone was to nominate her. This is just an example to give you an idea of what I’m after.
Name: Yumiko Yamazaki-Green
Age: 26
Appearance: 1.6m, slim, smooth and toned legs, long straight black hair with a fringe, brown eyes, youthful face
Personality: Open-minded, tolerant, calm, great sense of humour
Attitude towards gunge: Has been gunged before, enjoys getting messy, doesn’t find it erotic but understands why one might
Role in the band: Bassist and lead vocalist
Band name: The Kayotics
Genre: Speed metal
Bandmates: Becky Jerome (lead guitarist and backing vocalist), Michelle Massey (rhythm guitarist and backing vocalist), Kassidy Harvey (drummer), Chloe Montague (keyboard/pianist)

The criteria is just what whoever I find most appealing. Limitations are that the character you’re submitting has to be 18 or older, female and human. The bandmates can be any age and gender.

Your prizes are:
First place: First dibs as to whether or not your character and their band are an option for the Splosh Pit Poll, or are going to play the gunge tank game.
Second place: Whichever prize the first prize winner doesn’t want (if they pick to be in the poll, your character will be in the tank and vice-versa).
Third place: No gunging, but your character and their band will appear as an “other guest”.

First and second place can only be won by one entrant each, third by up to four entrants.

About VanillaXSlime

So I'm a WAM author (Suzi's Slop Drop, The Kayotics, The A-Z of Gunge II, Goo Your Own Way, miscellaneous other stuff), the administrator of, a fan of metal, punk and gothic music, an occasional cosplayer and bassist. Twitter: ECG: UMD:
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One Response to Suzi’s Job Offer

  1. So far I’ve had seven entrants to this, and they’re all good quality. There’s no particular closing time yet, so I’m still open to entrants.

    Some interesting things about the entrants though. Two have been sent via my Skype (no, you can’t add me!), two via ECG, three via e-mail and zero via UMD. Also, the majority have been sent by other WAM writers, which explains why the standard is so high thus far. It does mean I may have to ask for second opinions. If anyone who hasn’t/doesn’t want to send in an entrant wants to help with that, please let me know.


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