Pancake Day 2: Splash Wednesday: Scenes 41 + 42:

Hello tellygunge. It’s playtime. I just had too. We’re now at the last two scenes of the second film in my Pancake Day series. As you might expect after reading the last scene (obviously spoilers if your reading things out of order) it’s the final showdown between Porcelain and Mrs Turnbull, but it also sees the appearance of quite a few other characters who’ve appeared in previous scenes. I am overall quite happy in the way things have been set up, and how it feels more like a whole story, rather than a collection of stories, with a loose story thread linking them together like the first film.

The subject of stories brings me on to what’s next. As I’ve already mentioned I’ve had quite a few ideas for the next film. It will see a little variation to the formula, which will allow me to use some more elaborate traps than I’ve been unable to use before without totally breaking the admittedly already loose reality bands of this series. This is a series that could become a little predictable and formulaic, and there are some parts, like the final escape to set up the final show down that are hard to avoid repeating, but I’m convinced I’ve got enough ideas to avoid that becoming a big problem for a while at least.
You may ask when is this going to happen? Well so far I’ve only made the notes, and roughly plotted everything out. I’ll probably take a little break before I start writing it. Hopefully it won’t than fall flat when I start to write, but I’m reasonably confident this won’t be the last you see of Porcelain and her companions. Until then thanks to everyone for reading, and I hope you enjoy the finale.

Scene 41:

The camera cuts to one of the larger rooms in the old cellar. Running through a doorway, and across the floor is a worse for wear looking Porcelain. Her hair and face paint is dishevelled, and several messy substances can be seen on her clothing. We see her look over to a table where a number of Chlorofoam pies are located. The camera cuts to a shot looking at Porcelain as she runs towards it. Just as she gets close someone jumps into the left side of shot, grabbing Porcelain and putting an arm around her neck. As they struggle we see it’s Victoria, her blonde hair and red dress looking in a bad state after being dumped into a pool of cottage cheese after Porcelain’s game earlier. Before Porcelain has a chance to retaliate Christine comes into view, and also grabs Porcelain to ensure she’s restrained. The camera zooms out to show more of the scene, and we see Mrs Turnbull walking slowly towards them with a satisfied smile on her face.

Porcelain: Let go of me you monsters.
Mrs Turnbull: Why? So you can make more people play your silly games. It’s about time you learnt the proper way to act little girl.

With that Mrs Turnbull steps forward and slaps Porcelain hard across the face.

Porcelain: Shit faced cow!
Mrs Turnbull: My! Such language! Well never mind. It looks like I’ll have plenty of time to teach you and your friends the proper way to act. I see you’ve even been good enough to provide us with a good prison.

The camera cuts to a corner of the large room. In it we see the two chain link walls that back on to the corner where Athena is currently held prisoner. Athena is looking on with a concerned look on her face. She scampers to the side in order to keep her distance as Mrs Turnbull comes over and unbolts the door. A little behind her is Christine and Victoria who are dragging a still struggling Porcelain with them.

Mrs Turnbull: Put her down, and don’t be gentle. I don’t want her getting up again.
Christine: With pleasure.

Christine and Victoria drag Porcelain to the back wall and throw her hard in to the barrels along the back wall. The camera zooms in on Porcelain as she slides down to the ground. We see one of the barrels has the words Westbrook Manor stamped on the side.

Mrs Turnbull: Your going to stay here until I figure out what to do with you, and make sure you never trouble me again.
Christine: Lets teach her a lesson!
Victoria: Yeah lets cover her in eggs and flour.
Christine: Lets get some paint and treacle, and see how she likes it.
Athena: Come on you guys! You’ll be no better than her.
Mrs Turnbull: Shut up! No-one asked you. Why don’t you get up to your quarters and stay there until your actually wanted.

Athena gives a look of annoyance to Mrs Turnbull, but faced with the prospect of going up against her, Christine and Victoria she reluctantly backs away exiting the cage. The camera cuts to Mrs Turnbull as she looks down at her still stained and soaked clothes. We see her look up and an evil smile comes across her face.

Mrs Turnbull: As we’re here. Why don’t you two introduce our little friend there to that custard pool. Give her something to think about.
Victoria: With pleasure.

The camera cuts to behind Christine and Victoria as they advance towards Porcelain. She struggles to her feet, having to use the barrels to support herself, hoping to put up a fight, but she’s clearly had it taken out of her. Then just as Christine and Victoria are about to close in the lights suddenly go out, and the room is plunged in to darkness.

Mrs Turnbull: What now? Can’t anything be done properly around here?

There’s a brief pause as the sound of frantic footsteps running across the floor is heard. Then the lights come on, the camera focused on Christine’s face as a large thick white chlorofoam is shoved in her face. The camera then cuts to Victoria as someone also shoves a chlorofoam in her face. As she stumbles and falls down the camera zooms out to see the holder of this pie is Dwayne.

Mrs Turnbull: How the hell did you escape?

The camera cuts to Porcelain’s former boyfriend Jack, who is standing next to a now unconscious Christine.

Jack: I busted them out.
Mrs Turnbull: What do you think your doing boy?
Jack: I’ve been putting up with your shit for a long time, and done nothing about it. When they told me about all that money you’ve stolen I decided enough was enough, I’m not taking it anymore.
Mrs Turnbull: Well if that’s the way you want it.

Mrs Turnbull lunges forward. She grabs Dwayne and throws him in to the chain link fence. Jack dodges the first lunge, and responds with a knee to Mrs Turnbull’s hip. This has little effect though. Mrs Turnbull grabs at Jack’s arm, and twists it, and pushes down on his shoulder with her other hand, forcing a still defiantly struggling Jack down on to his knees.

Mrs Turnbull: Did you really think you could get away with this? Seeing as you like your friends here so much I reckon I should just leave you here with them.
Jack: Go ahead. I’m not a fugitive like them. People will come looking for me if I stop calling, and they’ll start here. Then what will you do.
Mrs Turnbull: It will take time for that to happen. More than enough time to secure that money and get myself out of the country.

Suddenly a loud cry is heard. Princess Porcelain bursts into shot, and tackles Mrs Turnbull around the waist. Distracted by Jack, Mrs Turnbull is unprepared. She looses her grip on Jack as her and Porcelain go sprawling back, and both fall down in to the pool of pink custard.

Porcelain: You heartless cow. I should have never have given you a chance. I should have just chucked you strait in that barrel.

In response Mrs Turnbull swings a wild arm in Porcelain’s direction. She dodges the worst of the impact but is still caught off balance. It’s enough to allow Mrs Turnbull to close in and wrap a strong arm around her head. Porcelain desperately lashes back, but it’s to no avail as Mrs Turnbull kneels down, forcing Porcelain’s head under the custard. She remorselessly holds her there as a number of air bubbles rise up from where Porcelain is being held under, until Porcelain sinks completely under. Mrs Turnbull finally lets go, and the camera cuts to a shot of her looking out of the pool. We see Christine and Victoria still unconscious, both Dwayne and Jack are struggling to get to their feet. The camera cuts back to Mrs Turnbull as she walks towards the edge of the pool, a smug look of triumph on her face, despite the fact she’s now covered in custard.

Mrs Turnbull: Right. Time to book a flight to somewhere hot, exotic and a long way from all the bullshit I have to put up with here. You lot can stay here while that happens.

Suddenly Porcelain bursts out of the custard this time wrapping her arms around Mrs Turnbull’s neck. Mrs Turnbull remains rigid though, and starts to slowly pry Porcelain’s grip apart. The camera cuts to Jack as he struggles to his feet, then to a shot of the still unconscious Christine, and the remains of the Chlorofoam pie that hit her in the face. Jack bends down and scoops up a large handful of the Chlorofoam, looks to where Porcelain and Mrs Turnbull are still struggling, and takes a large running jump.
In a dramatic slow motion shot Jack flies through the air, and lands in the custard where the struggle is taking place, hitting Mrs Turnbull in the face with the Chlorofoam. Mrs Turnbull tries to wipe it off, but Porcelain quickly grabs at her arms before she can get to her face. Jack sees what is happening and closes in to help Porcelain. Her strength sapped by the effects of the Chlorofoam Mrs Turnbull is unable to fight them off, and slowly succumbs to the effects. As Mrs Turnbull sinks under the custard Porcelain puts her arm around Jack, using him for support as they head to the edge of the pool where Dwayne is waiting to help them get out. Porcelain requires support from both of them as she hobbles out to the door of the cage. As they walk through the door is slammed shut and bolted behind them. As the camera zooms out we see a bloody and battered Garry leaning on the door, and placing a heavy looking padlock on the bolt.

Dwayne: How’s Sandy? Is she alright?
Garry: She’s taken a few bad knocks, but she should be okay.
Porcelain: Go see her Dwayne.
Dwayne: Are you sure? You don’t look in great shape yourself.
Porcelain: I’ll be fine. We’ll be along shortly.

With that Dwayne and Garry walk off as quickly as they can in their current state. The camera cuts to a shot of Jack and Porcelain as they look at one another. Then a loud splashing is heard. We see the pool behind Jack and Porcelain where the custard has washed the Chloroform off Mrs Turnbull, and she’s now climbing out the pool.

Mrs Turnbull: Let me out now!
Porcelain: Now that was a silly thing to say. Do you honestly think we’d do that.
Mrs Turnbull: This won’t hold me for that long.
Porcelain: It doesn’t have to. The rest of the pupils and staff will be arriving tomorrow to set you all free anyway. Most likely along with a couple of cops who’ll want to ask about a few fraudulent transactions they’ll have evidence off. We built this cage secure, and it should hold you for more than long enough to secure that money for ourselves and make our getaway.

Mrs Turnbull lets out a cry of rage, and tries kicking the door, and then shoulder barging the wall, but it’s to no avail. The cage is indeed secure. Porcelain and Jack ignore her protests as they walk away.

Scene 42:

We cut to a corridor in the old cellar, not that far away from what we just witnessed, as evidenced by the fact of Jack and Porcelain coming round the corner.

Porcelain: So. What now? With all that money in the bank you must be tempted to join us.
Jack: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. I’m not sure I want to just leave my friends and family.
Porcelain: Once we’re outside the jurisdiction of this country you’d still be able to call them, and it’s not like you couldn’t go back to them. You always said you wished you’d takken a gap year, and it doesn’t look like you’ll be getting much of an education here for a while. Once the truth comes out this place is going to be chaos.
Jack: Well. When you put it like that.

Before Jack can continue a loud rustling is heard. Porcelain limps over to a pile of old stuff and pulls off a dust sheet to reveal Athena hiding underneath.

Athena: Please. Just let me go.

Jack puts a restraining arm on Porcelains shoulder and whispers in her ear. She mutters something back, before Jack whispers back two more times.

Porcelain: Oh okay. Go up to your quarters and get cleaned up Athena. Just stay out of our way and you’ll be alright.
Jack: Everyone else will be arriving tomorrow. When that happens you won’t need to worry about Mrs Turnbull, or any of the other girls any more.

Jack again whispers in Porcelain’s ear. There’s another exchange between them before with a slightly reluctant look Porcelain continues.

Porcelain: And yes, I’ll have a word with Garry. He can make it look like your video was corrupted or something, so no-one will ever see you getting covered in custard.

The camera cuts to a shot of Athena. She pauses for a second, tentatively looking them up and down.

Athena: Bye Helen. Thanks Jack.

The camera looks down the corridor as Athena scampers away down it, before cutting back to Jack and Porcelain.

Porcelain: God. I hope your not going to turn me soft.
Jack: Hey. You don’t always have to be afraid of change.

Roll end credits.

By the same Author

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Comeuppance – Episode 8 introduction



Sian swaggers on-stage, grinning and waving.

Sian: Hubble bubble, toil and trouble,
Mire churn, and caldron bubble!

As Sian speaks, a camera circles the rim of the Mucky Dip, which belches copious amounts of dry-ice fog.

Sian: Grisly goo and grimy grot,
Mixt within our fetid pot.
Week-old curry, stale kebabs,
Aldi horsemeat, Cromer crabs,
Slops of lager, butts of cigs,
Crackling from Dave Cam’ron’s pig.
For our muck we spare not tuppence,
Waiting for some brat’s comeuppance!!

The audience showers Sian with applause.

Sian Thank you, thank you! I’m Sian Welby, and I come not to praise our contestants but to bury one of them. Fair is foul and foul is fair, foulness is the punishment, and our muck by any other name would smell as foul! Measure for measure, gunge doth o’erswell the cauldron, so without much ado about nothing, let’s bring on our three witches!

The nutritionist
Sian: Returning for her weigh-in is nutritionist Cara. She’s 33 and from Shrewsbury.

The guards roll out a caged Cara to a chorus of boos and hisses.

Sian: Now Cara, suppose I need to go on a diet – [looks around menacingly] which I don’t, before anyone starts – what would you recommend for me?

Cara: It depends, Sian. I’d have to take your weight and measurements, and evaluate your lifestyle requirements so I could work out the best plan for you.

Sian: What about the Triassic Diet, for instance?

Cara: [looking horrified] The Triassic Diet is extremely dangerous! It can cause heart palpitations and gallstones! Only an ignorant moron would advise such a diet!

Sian: Huh? But you were bigging it up just last week!

Cara: [haughtily] I would never recommend the Triassic diet.

Sian: Hmmm, I thought this might happen, which is why we’ve got the clip cued. Play it back, boys.

A snippet from the previous epsiode plays: Cara: …The new Triassic diet is where it’s at!

The audience boos.

Cara: [flustered] I, er… what I was saying is, uh, that sadly the Triassic diet is popular among the misinformed! That’s why you need professional nutritionists like me to suggest scientifically proven plans. Like the M-diet, for instance.

Sian: What does that stand for – metabolism, I suppose?

Cara: No, on the M-diet you must only eat foods that begin with the letter M!

Sian: [frowning] Riiiigghttt… So I can have a meal of mutton, macaroni, mushrooms and mozzarella, and marzepan for dessert?

Cara: Got it! And wash it all down with milkshake. That’s the great thing about the M-diet; it’s easy to know what you can and can’t eat, and you get a wide balance of foods!

Sian: But… but… no, I’m not even. Cara, it’s a good thing you like things beginning with M, because we have 15,000 litres of such a substance. It’s called muck, and we could be serving it to you in a few hours’ time!

Cara presses her tongue under her lip and shakes her head.

Sian: [facing the camera] And surely many of you will want to treat Cara to her just desserts, but first let’s meet her sisters in sin!

The taxi driver
Sian: Our second ne’er-do-well is Mel. She’s 24 and from Clacton-on-Sea, where she’s been driving her taxi for four years.

Sian’s sidekicks wheel on Mel to the typical jeers and catcalls.

Sian: Pffft, where do I start with you lot, Mel? You take the longest routes so as to clock up more miles on the meter, you don’t accept cards, and you claim not to have change!

Mel: [rolls her eyes] Bl’ming hell, I’m a taxi service, not a bank! Want me to run a bureau de change [English pronunciation] out the side of my cab? S’pose I might need to, what with all these foreigners coming in the country.

Sian: But those things are minor niggles for the poor passenger, compared to being a captive audience to whatever diatribe the driver chooses to spout. There’s a good quote out there: it’s a pity the people that can solve the world’s problems are all too busy driving taxis!

Mel: [missing the irony] It is indeed Sian. I’ve got much more of a clue than these politicians what’ve never had a real job. I see a lot of the world in my cab – sometimes I drive as far as Frinton – and I give rides to the highest and lowest in society. Just last week I took Douglas Carswell to the station. He’s Clacton’s MP, you know – decent bloke, but too soft on the EU. “Douglas,” I says to him, “you’re a decent bloke, but you’re too soft on the EU!”

Sian: Erm, isn’t he UKIP?

Mel: Exactly – too soft! Whole country’s too soft. We need to bring back the cane in our schools, instill some discipline! Followed by national service and then send ’em down the mines!

Sian: [nervously] Yes, well, if we could move on—

Mel:…and immigration! Don’t get me started on immigration…

Sian: I didn’t.

Mel:…Now I ain’t got anything against anyone foreign. I take me two weeks in Benidorm every year…

Sian: Mel…

Mel:…but people what come here ought to speak the language proper…

Sian: MEL!!!

The audience boos Mel into silence.

Sian: [crossly] We’ve run out of time for further questions, but suffice to say Mel, the public are fed up with you taking them for a ride. I’m sure they’d love to give you a lift, followed by a very messy drop-off!

Mel puts her hands on her hips and makes an incredulous expression at this suggestion.

Sian: [faces forwards] And no doubt you’re all eager to get Mel’s meter ticking upwards, but before you commit, let’s meet our remaining contestant.

The market researcher
Our third and final rogue is Gail. She’s 28 and from Edinburgh, and she’s worked in market research for six years.

The audience derides and decries Gail as her cage is wheeled on.

Sian: Now folks, while Mel wants you to hear her opinions, Gail here is anxious to hear yours. And she’ll go to any means to get them, won’t you Gail? On the street corner, on the phone, through those annoying website pop-ups, even knocking on doors!

Gail: [in a breezy, saccharine-laden voice] And how satisfied are you with our performance? Very satisfied, somewhat satisfied, neither satisfied nor dissatisfied, somewhat dissatisfied, or very dissatisfied?

Sian: Very dissatisfied! And I ask the questions here, not you! The point is, Gail, people find it extremely annoying when you badger them to fill in surveys.

Gail: [smarmily] How often does this happen? Daily, once or twice a week, once every few weeks, rarely, or n—

Sian: TOO BLOODY OFTEN!! Listen Gail, I’ve been on your website, and some of these questionnaires are completely pointless. There’s a 50-question survey on bathplug preferences, and another one asks respondents what they would be willing to do for charity. Options include getting gunged in jeans and eating a spider!

Gail: But think of the incentives. Did you know, for every survey you complete you earn 2 Nectar points!

The audience snorts in derision.

Sian: And that’s another thing: you lure people in with these so-called “rewards” that turn out to be next to worthless!

Gail: So what rewards would tempt you to take a survey? Tick as many as apply: Air Miles, days out at the zoo, vouchers for Little Chef—

Sian: Can you stop doing that!? I’ll tell you what reward the public would love: seeing you take a bath in our vat of slop!

Gail: And what colour slop would you pref—

Sian: OH, SHUT UP!! [Exhales deeply, turns to the camera and resumes her genial smile] And so in the Comeuppance studio where we lay our scene, the nine men’s morris is filled up with muck, but not all shall be punish-ed. To dip or not to dip – that is the question we put to thee. Choose thou thy villain, and to this chair bind her! Ought it be Cara, the diet guru who leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth? Ought it be Mel, the cabbie who drives you to despair? Or ought it be Gail, the persistent questioner who won’t take no for an answer? Parting is such sweet sorrow, but we’ll be back for an update!

Alternative poll link

Poll will close at 10pm on Friday 6th May. As always, voting permitted multiple times with gaps of at least 12 hours between votes.

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Ketnet Kingsize 7 bob red hair

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Suzi’s Slop Drop: Anita Sarkeesian vs. shoe0nhead Part 1

Suzi stood on the edge of the Slop Drop stage. It had felt like nearly four years had passed since she last hosted the show that had given her the break into TV presenting she had never known she wanted. Her career had gone from strength to strength. As well as hosting two other Panicked Productions gunge shows, she had finally started presenting a local radio show, like she’d wanted to for as long as she could remember. Still, despite everything, a voice echoed in her mind.

“Welcome home, Sooz.”

The set looked very much as it always had – large industrial-style metal structures around the sides of the studio area, the now-iconic plush red couch and chair next to the massive doors, on the other side of which was some nightmarish machine intended to give at least one person a gungy humiliation. Apart from a couple of episodes, the Slop Drop didn’t usually gunge A-list celebrities. The audience never seemed to mind the relative obscurity of the gungees though (compared to the works of other production teams at least) – after all, more often than not they still covered a pretty young woman in sticky slop for everyone’s entertainment. Who could complain about that?

The studio lights blasted into life. The audience, once murmuring to itself now fell silent. The cameras rolled as the Suzi’s Slop Drop theme tune (a snappy upbeat rock instrumental in G major) blared through the PA. Suzi walked out, the heat from the lights beaming down on her exposed skin, and as always there was quite a lot of it. Tonight she was wearing a white dress with black lines on it that accentuated her all-natural curves. She was barefoot, as was rather usual for her. Despite the absence of shoes, she still looked radiant and elegant. Her light-brunette hair was straightened out and ran down her back to just above her bum, held back with a white barrette. Her emerald eyes seemed to glimmer, perhaps in part thanks to the fantastic work the make-up team had done around them. “Hello, and welcome to this special webisode of Suzi’s Slop Drop! I’m Suzi Harrison and as always, I’ve got two kinda famous-ish personalities waiting to argue why they should be spared a trip in my gunge machine!”

The crowed ooh-ed at the non-revelation that there would be a gunge machine involved.

“More on that later, though. Now, there are a few reasons that we’ve done this episode as the NoobTube Charity Streamathon. One of them is because we’re not doing a new series of Slop Drop any time soon. Another is because our guests tonight hold a special place in the hearts of the internet, and so rather than just broadcast to the British public, we’d go out to the world. So, welcome Britain, bienvenue le France, yōkoso Nihon, wilkommen Deutschland, howdy y’all America and however you say welcome to the rest of the world! Then of course, there are the wonderful charities that we’re raising money for.” Suzi took a breath. “So, let’s meet our first guest. She started out with a Kickstarter project looking at how the way media, particularly video games, portrays women and the damage it can do to society. Now she’s a figurehead in the war on internet trolls. Please welcome Anita Sarkeesian!”


As Suzi sat down on her chair, Anita walked on to the sound of applause. She waved to the audience, shook Suzi’s hand and sat on the couch, right at Suzi’s right and the camera’s left. “Welcome to the show, Anita. I imagine a lot of our viewers are familiar with Tropes vs. Women, but what are some of the subjects you’ve covered?”

“Oh, so much, and thank you so much for having me on here to talk about my work,” Anita says immediately. “I’ve talked about ‘women in refrigerators’, which is actually from comic books where a woman is killed off just to inspire a man’s quest for vengeance. I’ve done the ‘straw feminist’, which is what it implies – a strawman character who has quote-unquote ‘feminist’ beliefs that are there just for the writer to vent their frustrations at social justice advocates.”

“I can’t believe anyone would do such a thing!” Suzi gasps, slightly ironically.

Anita carries on, unfazed. “Oh, they do! We’ve also talked about the ‘Ms. Male’ character, where a character is introduced who’s supposed to be empowering because they’re like an existing male character, only a woman.”

“Ever talked about gunge?” Suzi asks. “I bet you’ve got all sorts of things to say about this show!”

“We haven’t before, but I’ve got plenty to say!” Anita nods. “When I found out about this show and others like it… Things like Get Your Own Back, Comeuppance, The Splosh Pit, The Ramp and so on, I just thought to myself that hang on… There are TV shows out there in this day and age which still think it’s okay to humiliate women for the sake of entertainment? And I dug deeper and found that Get Your Own Back was first around in the late 1980s, and there were other shows from then through to the early 2000s like it such as Noel’s House Party, Diggin’ It and Live & Kicking that would often gunge to humiliate women… and this was just in the UK, mind you! This demonstration of a patriarchal need to put women ‘in their place’ via ritual humiliation has gone on for decades, and this show is just the latest in a long line of iterations of that.”

Suzi raised an eyebrow. Clearly her “mandatory gunge training” had stuck with her as a lot of what Anita had said seemed contrary to what she knew. However, rather than argue it, she instead decided to ask a simple question. “So if you don’t like the premise of the show, why have you agreed to come on it?”

“Because I hate to admit it, but I did kind of enjoy seeing some of those people getting slimed! Sure, it is one of the most problematic things I have seen in a long time, but it was also pretty interesting. Plus, I know that your production company is one of the best for gender equality,” Anita explained. “I mean there’s yourself and Nicole Stevens as the faces, your new CEO Ivy Lundgren, your main engineer’s not only a woman but also an albino, and so many others I can’t even begin to count! When I got here I was just so stunned by how inclusive the place is!”

“Oh!” Suzi blushed. “I’m flattered that you like the company, I think?” She decided not to mention or even dwell on the fact the company was founded by a straight white man with a gunge fetish… who may have once been her headmaster. “So, back to the reason we’re here. You’re clearly here because you want to gunge someone. Who is it and why?”

“It’s a YouTuber called ‘shoe0nhead’. She makes videos that make fun of feminism even though as a woman, she would benefit from the equality and freedom that feminism would bring. She’s dangerous and problematic, and people like here are responsible for a lot of the harassment that feminists experience online.”

“Well, that’s a hell of an accusation! In fact, there are a lot of interesting discussion points raised there, and so in that spirit, let’s welcome our other guest. She’s a YouTuber who’s known for making videos criticising feminism and being quite funny while doing so. Ladies and gentlemen, shoe0nhead!” Suzi announces as the YouTuber enters. The crowd mostly applauds, but Anita and a handful of the audience members boo.


Shoe0nhead shakes Suzi’s hand and sits down. “Welcome to the show, erm… shoe? You have an actual name, don’t you?” the presenter asks.

“It’s June. Might be easier to call me that!” says the YouTuber as she sits down next to Anita, shuffling to the end of the couch in order to give herself a bit of space.

“Alright then, June! I take it there’s a lot you want to say about Anita’s claims,” Suzi asks.

June nods her head. “Yeah, and a lot of it’s stuff that’s in my videos. For example, ‘it’s about equality’… No. Women already have all the rights men have. Feminism at this point has become a toxic cult based on hating men and trying to be the most ‘progressive’ and oppressed.”

“But what about some of the stuff that’s not in your videos? Like, the claim that you’re encouraging people to harass Anita and people like her?” Suzi asks.

June shakes her head. “Not true. I don’t want my fans going out on like, Twitter and sending Anita or anyone else nasty messages. Like you said, my videos are critiques, and there are far more in-depth and serious ones out there than mine.”

“But you support GamerGate,” Anita says.

“Which has been proven not to be the hate group that you claim it to be!” June scoffs. “There was even a study carried out by Women, Action and the Media about it which proved that the vast majority of accounts associated with GamerGate don’t harass people.”

“Women, Action and the Media, huh? Nice acronym!” Suzi chuckled to herself. “That actually brings me to my next point. I’m kinda curious to see if you’ve got any kind of take on the whole gunge thing.”

June took a breath and started talking again. “Well like Anita, I kinda had to learn a bit about it too. Like we’ve always had slime on Nickelodeon in America, but that wasn’t usually like a ritual humiliation thing. It was always like, goofy fun, y’know? But, and I didn’t expect to say this but Anita’s right in that there’s been a bit of a female humiliation element in how you guys do it in Britain but there are also shows that gunge men, some of which go at about 50-50 or gunge men more than women.”

“So you don’t think gunge is a long-standing tradition used to humiliate women?” Suzi asked.

“Not exclusively and not in any way that’s like, a huge deal. Like I said, it just seems over-the-top and kinda wacky.”

Suzi sat back in her chair and chuckled to herself. “We’ll see about that if you have to face the gunge!” Her tone suddenly shifted back to serious. “I take it you’re both familiar with the rules, but I’ll remind the viewers anyway,” she said as she turned to face a nearby camera. “This is a show in three parts. Part one is what we just had now – I introduce the two possible gungees and they give their arguments, then we open the vote up to the viewers. Part two, I read a letter out where someone in the audience wants to gunge someone. I decide whether they should get the opportunity or whether they themselves should be gunged. It’s at this part that we show off the newest gunging machine. Part three, the vote closes and we will subject either June or Anita to one hell of a gunging.” She then looked over to the two women on the couch. “Any last comments, Anita?”

“Yes. Please, please vote for June. I’m trying to do good in the world and June’s opposing that. She deserves the slime!”

“And June, anything else you want to say?”

June nodded. “I’m not scared of losing or getting gooped or anything, but you know Anita will complain about anything. How about we actually give her something to complain about? Vote for her, not me!”

“Well, we’ll see who the audience has been listening to the most in half an hour. In the meantime, don’t forget to vote and donate!” With Suzi’s words, the lights went down on Suzi’s Slop Drop for the time being.

The Splosh Pit episode I did the pre-polls for is still in the works but right now, I want to get this out there. I get it, this is going to piss people off. That’s just what happens when you bring in any kind of ideological angle to a piece of fiction. If you find it offensive that this exists, tough. This is happening, and it is happening on my terms. All I hope is that you’ve actually read the story and are judging it based on the actual writing rather than my political/social opinions and outspoken nature.

Posted in Stories | 11 Comments

Gunge Grand Prix – Round 1 – Matches 33-64 Results

Evening all,

Firstly, please allow me to apologise for the delay in confirming results from matches 33-64. Work and social life have got in the way and will likely continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Therefore results may be late in appearing, so please be patient with me.

Matches 65-96 went live at 8pm last Friday, and will close at 8pm this Friday, so make sure you get your votes in. As a general rule, the next set of matches will go live 24 hours after the previous matches have ended. Again I may not have time to announce this on the day, so please continue to monitor the website on a regular basis.

Anywho, time to get down to business and reveal the results from matches 33-64:

33 221 Natalie Sciver 26-74 Gal Gadot 230
34 462 Zooey Deschanel 79-21 Jenna Dewan 306
35 99 Trish Stratus 55-45 Vanessa Hudgens 442
36 450 Jennifer Anniston 58-42 Brie Bella 92
37 98 Summer Rae 38-62 Ellie Harrison 242
38 344 Claire Richards 21-79 Rochelle Humes 67
39 188 Lizzie Domo 37-63 Emma Fryer 301
40 413 Samia Ghadie 49-51 Gemma Arterton 375
41 396 Sally Jacks 48-52 Rachel Wyse 45
42 382 Hailee Steinfeld 67-33 Serena Williams 167
43 42 Kate Abdo 72-28 Lzzy Hale 293
44 278 Alyson Hannigan 90-10 Jemima Kirke 272
45 318 Kathleen Zuelch 6-94 Gemma Merna 363
46 122 Barbara Dunkelman 65-35 Manda Ophuis 472
47 208 Amanda Seyfried 38-62 Vicky Pattison 149
48 414 Ella Henderson 60-40 Kylie Pentelow 65
49 383 Abby Elliott 15-85 Jenna Louise Coleman 139
50 176 Mandy Rose 29-71 Dianna Agron 217
51 392 Imogen Townley 63-37 Kesha 489
52 321 Jeri Ryan 26-74 Peyton Royce 112
53 36 Michelle Keegan 86-14 Geri Halliwell 178
54 71 Sara Pascoe 54-46 Emily Kinney 417
55 34 Jesy Nelson 63-37 Nathalie Emmanuel 356
56 211 Catherine Tate 15-85 Gail Kim 103
57 368 Felicity Jones 55-45 Natalie Anderson 262
58 119 Lindsay Jones (Tuggey) 22-78 Ophelia Lovibond 502
59 482 Kendall Jenner 41-96 Camilla Luddington 309
60 464 Noelle Foley 75-25 Jessie J 142
61 509 Rosamund Pike 56-44 Caiti Ward 128
62 406 Tay Jardine 19-81 Rachel Bilson 381
63 409 Anikka Albrite 42-58 Julie Bowen 325
64 b Shakira 60-40 Paige VanZant 13

So there you have it. 64 of our 256 second round competitors are now known. Only 192 more to find!

Posted in Competition, GGP, Gunge, Stories | Tagged , , | 2 Comments